CELEBRITY GOSSIP FROM THE OULD SOD.

LATEST BREAKING WIND NEWS FROM DUBLIN,IRELAND.

theo walnut scores hattrick for england against croatia,croatian manager slobodon bilge says he wished washed out celeb and crap footballer and floppy handshaker,dave buckham had have played,croatia would have won 5-0.

scientists in geneva have recorded zero and total dark matter in the brains of irish government ministers following the beaming of protons at their heads,halfpint minister for junkets martin cullen came in first on the list of dickheads.


Nouveau CELTIC JACKAL irish multi-billionaire tax avoider Dinny O'Brien has reportedly purchased an "artwork" made from algerian elephant shite from piss artist damien hirst for 2 and a half euro.

roddy doyle,baldy scribbler of illiterate shite and known for cellulite on his baldy slaphead has been selected as a beano comic nominee for shite literature 2008.


amanda drunker,z list irish "celeb" has recorded 100 newtons of buoyancy for her big tits,according to overpaid shitty swiss scientisTS in geneva in swaziland.
miss drunker declined to comment,she was too busy trying to trace a sex video of herself having perky sex somewhere in a rain soaked skerries.does it ever stop raining in this shitty little country?that's ireland,we are talking about by the way.

sharon ni bodhran and bloated ni coffee are 2 of the greatest overpaid pain in the arses(who are they?)they make fortunes in rte,the state broadcaster conning people.
sharon has denied an affair with bloated.

GILBERT GILHOOLEY,IRELAND'S BIGGEST TERRORIST DRUG BOSS IS VERY HAPPY.

GILBERT GILHOOLEY,here,IRELAND's biggest DRUG BOSS.
Listen,things are going fantastic...just fan..tas..tico..we're operating on a scale of hundreds of millions of euro in heroin and other hard drugs,
we're coining it at the minute and sure the Irish Police are forced by the corrupt and incompetent irish government politicians to spend most of their resources on a few hippie and shinner crackpots down in mayo on
the sea to nowhere campaign to stop ireland getting our own natural gas...reduce EVERYBODY'S fuel bills,bring the gas onshore but no chance,sure it's fucking gas.
we just keep the head down,then the rest of the other Irish police have to keep massive amounts of personnel on the few feuding gangs while we
carry on happy as larry in the lucrative drug trade,sure we cant ship or sell enough of heroin,cocaine,crack cocaine and methamphetamine on the streets and in the houses of the land of saints and scholars.. the CELTIC JACKAL is truly up and running.
a few high ranking Irish politicians are good customers for the drugs so they keep the polis off our backs..it's fucking grand,so it is..CRIME PAYS,let me tell you, and fucking very well,
crime doesnt pay is for fucking believers in fairytales.
listen,i've received several hundred thousand emails from our readers recently from all over the globe to say i should be a philosopher...listen up,i AM a fucking philospher..
i combine wisdom from past philosophers such as that vietnamese bloke..what's his name?
CONFUCIUS..
and i was a student of that belgian waffler,jean paul sarte..so there you have it..
i am ireland's leading drug baron and one of its most renowned philatelists..
my lads,all our gang memebers in running the drugs are as happy as shit after beijing...didnt they all watch our boxers at the olympics..great stuff..
bating the shite out of one another and winning medals for it instead of my lads bating the shite out of one another or some other gang..
well done lads... one silver and 2 bronzes..our irish waster athletes are still running around the track in the birds nest stadium,here's dervla o'rourke coming to the finish line at last..
boxing is for the hood areas of ireland and while the boxers were beating the crap out of each other,my lads stayed calm and enjoyed themselves,sure hardened criminals need time off and relaxation too,what do you say?if you dont say yes,we'll be knocking on your door.

NOTE FROM GILBERT.
(the hood areas of ireland are clondalkin and tallaght and finglas,malahide,howth,mount merrion and kilbarrack and jobstown to name but a few.
the shacks in these hood/shanty areas are made mostly of breeze-blocks and corrugated iron,real dumps.
famous irish people who grew up in them include communist author roddy boil and ex disgraced prime minister,bert the squirt ahern and rte's ryan turbid.)
even the donnybrook rte dickheads were congratulating the boxing fans,half of them my lads...reporters and journos kissing their arses for an interview and quote on camera to try and justify their freeloading and sponging in
beijing and at home at the tv licence payers expense..sure sports correspondent "meatballs" murray was stuffing his gob at the olympic village no end with chow mein and chop suey.
dublin must be the easiest city to operate hard drugs in the entire world,you know what,i even feel sorry for the polis.
DUBLIN ,city of poets and dogshite..and comedians..and drug barons.
have a crap day,you'll buy more of my drugs.
fu man chu,get my slippers you bastard,i want to put me feet up and read about this bloke,hagel.

FOXROCK FANNY SPEAKS TO THE IRISH PEOPLE.

It's FOXROCK FANNY here,i must say as a beautiful lady,irish women are sinking to lower and lower levels of scruffiness and unkemptness today..it's unbelieveable darlink.
shitty t shirts and shitty denim jeans everywhere you go..town or country...
madam(that's me) is not happy...i saw glenda gilson,a very plain looking "MODEL" the other day in grafton street dressed in a revolting and cheap woolworths type
shell suit,
now..i know thousands of you will be onto me pointing out she is common and her people are vulgar but really...do any of our irish ladies wear a dress or silk drawers anymore?
every irish lady now wants to be a "celebrity" or "famous",or they are too fat like caroline morahan,a minor broadcaster with some tv station,caroline has an arse so extensive you could land a jumbo jet on it.
all we see in our gutter press is some atrociously dressed skinny slapper posing like a langer and giving the "thumbs up" sign to some dickhead wannabe paparrazzi photographer..it's quite disgusting..i
remember the good old days in ireland when ladies actually referred to their mushy peas at lunch in the shelbourne hotel as guacamole.
"Garcon,garcon,bring me the guacamole and quick."

our irish womenfolk today dress as brownly common and as tacky as leitrim muck,it's been all downhill since el presidente mary "chavez" robinson was in power.
our lady newscasters on the state broadcaster,RTE, dress like mad pelicans exploded in blenders..
tut tut..how common,i shall return to this topic once again next week.
adieu,FOXROCK FANNY.

WORLD AND IRISH CELEBRITY Z-LISTERS AND DRAMA BUNNIES OF 2008.

Breaking wind from CELEBRITY CRAP MAGAZINE.

We have exclusive pics of MADONNA's sweaty buttocks on her current tour where the feminist freak and bulky weightlifter is playing
to empty audiences worldwide.
Later on we have an exclusive interview with ZACH GOLDSTEIN,exclusive colonic irrigationist to the arseholes of the stars.
zach loves himself and is an expert on cheap tans,cheap celebrities,cheap launches and cheap fish.
i'm just cheap,zach says proudly.
zach is considering becoming manager to ireland's international star,BRIAN PORMOND of rte infamy.
also appearing on the show tonight for "charity" are english slapper MICHELLE HEATON who is famous for her brass neck and
brass tits.
you havent heard of michelle?
neither has anyone else except a few columnists with no gossip to report.
ireland where cheap celebs kiss any arse that will get them a mention in a crap popular newspaper.
KATHRYN THOMAS we have heard through the grapevine has dyed her pubic hair dark again,"i've gone back to
my dark roots" KATHRYN gushes to our drunk uninterested reporter.
DAVID BUCKHAM famous chinese footballer and married to skeleton VICTORIA BUCKHAM has announced he will have
the carbon emissions from the crap he talks captured and stored in underground caverns in the kish basin in dublin bay.
david thinks dublin is in north britain and wants to wish all his fans the best,DAVID will be signing autographs
and showing his bare legs and cleavage at his latest comic signing in easons,the bookstore next tuesday.
tragic KATE MOSS will be there with david,MARIAH CAREY,ANGELINA AND BRAD SHITT,JORDAN and her trout pout,
SIMON COWELL,who has all the charm of a peeled bollacks will also attend in his limo.
also there will be numerous sychophants,pr people,camera people,tv producers and legendary reporters from
tv3's expose programme.
simon cowell will explain why he is a shit and makes people puke.
"celebrities" not worth a pot of lukewarn piss.

Prince Philip names 3 Irish Batmen for Queen's Trip to Ireland in 3019.

Prince Philip here,I would like to announce to the World that my wife,Queen Elizabeth the First and I have chosen the 3 Irish batmen
for Her Majesty's visit to Ireland next year.
They are Bodger McNulty,Widler O'Keefe and Knut Svensson.
As well as performing their lowly batmen duties such as the daily kissing od Her Higness's arse the 3 lads will search for drugs that criminals may try to sell to Her Majesty.
We note that another Irish horse,Lanternas has been caught using illegal substances at the Peking olympics.
We understand from my spies in the irish camp,pat hickey and the rest of the irish olympic committee people couldnt care less,they were fine wining and dining and too busy kissing communist arses at the "worker's palace" to be concerned.
We thought they would have learned from cian o'connor and the disgraced and tainted water polo "gold" medalist,Michelle "Pisspot" Smith after her debacle
at the Atlantis Games in 1886.
We must say we think the Irish should be given a Gold Medal for Drugs,they are far better at them than any other nation in the world.
NOTE TO EDITOR:I didnt get my bung money you tight Irish catholic bastard,send it soon or there will be trouble.

Prince Philip confides his exclusive and innermost thoughts to our website:comedyblogireland.blogspot.com

He's in the news again...my "son" Prince charles.
last night in buckingham palace,he invited his wealthy,happy clappy hippy friends over,their nocturnal "guitar" playing
and bongo drum playing from a number of chelsea tractors on the lawn
drove myself and the old lady bonkers.
earlier in the evening,we summoned charlie boy to a meeting in the henry the 8th room but
he informed us through his butler he was "busy talking to my plants".
where does he come up with this shite from?
now if ever the need for a genetically modified brain was necessary,charlo's your man.
when he becomes king of the home counties of southern england,it will be the end of the monarchy,i'm telling you.
as charles's hippy party staggered on into the wee small hours,my spy in his camp informed
me there was wild,unbridled rumpy pumpy going on everywhere.
it's not commonly known naturally but charles is a right goer,a real hanky panker as well as a peddle and cranker and was seen,yes,seen by my personal spy using an organic leek as a butt plug on camilla.
i've never heard the likes of it.
i shall keep the millions of readers of this website informed(the authors just need to bung me a few bob now and again but in euro
not pound sterling,please,that currency is gone to the dogs.)

Prince Philip updates Irish People on Queen Elizabeth's Impending Visit to Ireland.

Prince Philip (Saxe Coburg Gotha),Duke of Glascow Rangers,here,smack my bitch up baby.
I am enjoying immensely my visit to Eastern Ireland,i have passed on my wife's,Her Majesty's,
Queen Elizabeth the 1st's insistence that the ALL irish Catholics must renounce
Pope Gregory the Great as Bishop of Rome and acknowledge her as Defender of the Faith for her visit to go ahead in 2009.
When she arrives in Rosslare next year on the Stena Line Fast Ferry,all Catholics must bow before her and avert their
pikey eyes from meeting hers.
I am enjoying my stay in the capital of Little Ireland,i visited 2 public houses,the Big Mickey on the bog of Allen
and Clancys of Bray in a place called Northern wicklow,where i met with several archdukes,viscounts,
lords,ladies and innumberable irish blueblood piss artists.
It never stops raining in this shitty little country but despite this,the innumerable and successful irish criminals
are happy with their lot.
Ah,here's my English coffee...must run,toodle oo..talk to you Irish peasants soon.
Smack my bitch up,baby,listening to a few sounds right now like Nodger and the Nappies and Westlife.

RTE,Ireland's Broadcaster awarded SPONGERS and FREELOADERS AWARD OF 2008.

Tonight EXPOSURE tv shows all the happy clappy STARS of Irelands television broadcaster,RTE.
Look,there's Donatella Versace lookalike Miriam O'Callaghan with her orange Day-Glo complexion applying another
layer of fake tanning lotion.
Hi Donatella,sorry Miriam..EXPOSURE tv here,is it true,you've recently had your buttocks shaved at a secret Botox Clinic in Donnybrook?
No comment?

Guests are leisurely enjoying a Cocktail and Cupcake reception at the 5 Star Hotel Spongers...holy moly,
there's more RTE legendary,dirty bum wiping SOCIALITIES and more even legendary personalities like MYLES DUNGHEAP,
JOE SCRUFFY,PAT THE SQUATTER KENNY,DON BERTO AHERNLEONE AND ANNE DOYLE,(a couple?).Is Bertie giving tips for the horses to Anne?
She'll be a millionaire in no time.
Pat the Sqautter Kenny is moving from his luxurious,multimillion home in Dalkey to O'Devaney Flats we have been reliably informed.

KRUSTY THE CLOWN has flown over from Bay City in California..hi Dave...DAVE FANNY,
is it really you?
can you give an exclusive quote to EXPOSURE tv Mr Fanny?
Look,there's ubiquitous slappertastic Seoige sisters who will not get their fat arses off television,they are on all the fucking time..

Look,cameraman,focus on Eamon Cokehead,RTE's shite talking,ultra-high net worth multi-millionaire midgeted poker pundit.
Hi Eamon,have you recovered from your recent bout of constipation?
Insiders say you guzzle down more free drink and stuff your little gob with more free food than any other
RTE legend,can you give EXPOSURE tv a quote,Mr Cokehead?

Look,there's Dobby Dobson and Sharon Ni Bawler stuffing their faces with more free food at the expense
of the millions of irish tv license payers..there's AONGHUS MAC GRINNY with designer silk suits and gold spun ties on him that cost more
than 90% of Irish people earn in a decade.

BREAKING NEWS.
Global Santa Fe drillship Artic 2 has spudded a well in the Celtic Sea off Wexford in Ireland this evening..
Germaine Greer,mad Australian bitch has married a hoodie knife wielding metrosexualised transgendered
Kangaroo in Perth,Australia..
England have followed on in their 11th innings after defeat to Nigeria at the Second Test in Sierra Leone.

RTE,work for us and become a Sponger and Freeloader and Broadcaster of SHITE.

UNITED NATIONS in emergency debate on Vile Pong from Irish Rail.

It was announced early this morning that the United Nations is to go into emergency session to debate the vile and unbearable pong from the toilets at Irish Rail's Pearse Street and Bray/Daly stations,amongst others.
Customers who are forced to use the toilets when caught short(for no one in their right mind would use the toilet unless they had to)said it is like being hit by a knuckle duster in the face from a punch from mike tyson,the putrid smell is so bad and there is also a stroboscopic lsd like effect from the lights put in to deter heroin users,this disorientates anyone using the johns.
Irish Rail's overpaid,usless,sleazy,inefficient,cretinous chief executive and management lick arse board of directors said like everyone else in power in ireland,they would NOT put their bollackeses on the table and what do they care if legions of decent people have to use overcrowded,filthy,unpuncutal trains and toilets?
like those responsible for the m50 debacle,they are SCUM.

Tennis,but No Strawberries and Cream.

Modney Bojangles,Gangster dreams about Wimbledon.

I'm stuck down here in alicante since i clobbered fatso kelly,the boss Mr Gilhooley ordered me
to stay put in this inferno for another couple months.
spain is shite..
i'm having nightmares all the time as well as being bored out of me tree.
i cant even drink heavy in case the spanish polis start sniffin around looking for
a chance to bring me down the local nick.
i can't sleep...i cant sleep i tell ya..
last night,i dreamt i was in bed with tennis player,serena williams,she was buck naked,totally
starkers..and then...and then the bedroom door opens with a creak so loud,you could hear it
in louisiana..in walks serena's sister,venus williams,buck naked too..with a strap on dildo on her.
she says,the heat is stifling,ain't it white boy? but i'm still up for it,now bend over...
well,i woke up soaked in sweat and i think i was screaming,i'm not gonna watch another minute of
that fucking tennis at wimbledon..it would do me head in...totally i mean..

Dublin's Unfair City.

howya or hi to our international readers,GILBERT GILHOOLEY, ireland's greatest and biggest gangster,here.
Decided to walk home to my 18 million pad in ballsbridge in the posh part of Dublin tonight.
You know,break in the new crocodile loafers from salvatore ferragamo,Fatso Kelly,me chaffeur,
left me off from the S Class Merc at the bottom of dublin's most famous shopping street,Grafton Street.
Jaysus,there's beggars and drug addicts all over the place,roma gypsies shovin their abused brats and their
paper cups in your face,they're worse than irish politicians lookin for dig outs.
I'm on the Champagne lately,strollin up to the Shelbourne Hotel for a few flutes is my latest recreation,this poxy beer is knockin me
off course for a couple days after due to the massive hangovers.
I said to Fatso Kelly,i'm drinking a few flutes of champagne lately,he said what's a flute got to do with drinking?
Ignorance is bliss,i thought to meself.
It's the beer,Fatso,i said,it's knockin the fuckin guts outta me,Champagne doesnt give me a hangover.
Champagne is like ..it's like wine,is it?Fatso said.
I said,yeah Fatso,it's like ...wine,made from bananas from different countries..
what countires,Fatso asked.
Italy,the Ivory Coast,south Korea mainly..what a thick bastard and he's my Capo..
anyway,dublin's suburbs are full of dog turds,at least grafton street is a quarter clean,
dirty dublin is right.
over there,there's a dopey Dublin Corporation totally uninterested "worker" pushing a Madvac cleaning machine along at minus 2 miles per hour,
wearin his manky Man U football shirt,if he had the machine stolen off him and shoved up his arse,he wouldnt even notice.
there's more bleedin bicycle-riding,rickshaw-pulling chinese in dublin than there are in fucking beijing,too..
i think i'll go to polish lessons,me kids'll have to speak polish in 10 years..still,they buy my smack,mustnt
be "racist",eh?
anyway,mustnt be grumpy,either,it's a lovely,sunny evening as i step into the jacks(toilets)
here at dublin's famous pearse street irish rail station before boarding the train for ballsbridge,get away from the riff raff and litter clogged dublin.
jaysus,holy jaysus,the stink in the men's jacks would stop a herd of rampaging rhino in its wake..
no bog paper,the loos are filthy and havnt seen a cleaner since 1871,the purple light to stop the junkies injecting would blind a guide dog,
christ,let me out of here,fuck craig doyle,advertising those useless bone polishers lying that their
trains are like the luxury orient express from london to vienna..
where's me mobile,where's me mobile? the stink is fucking ferocious.
Fatso,is that you,get up to pearse street dart station,fucking NOW.

"Celebrity" Crap Magazine Latest.

CELEBRITY" crap magazine latest including SHEITLING watch endorsement from John Travalta.

Max from Deadenders beds donkey.

Jen from Friends is to play a bottom wiping,attention seeking nymphomaniac in her next hollywood role,i love it,Jen gushes.

Jordan and Pete invite Celebrity Crap Magazine readers into their toilet for an exclusive tour.

Common as Muck Victoria Buckham denies she is to undergo vaginal retightening and labial reshaping in a wiltshire
shed next month.

Mad Mariah Carey is to have her gigantic ego repaired and reconstructed according to sources deep within
Mariah's virginity.

this month's celebrity endorsements include john travalta advertising the world famous SHEITLING Navitimer,the instrument for
arseholes,wacky john travalta is a movie actor who pushes his weird cult scintology on a poor few unfortunates who dont know better.
travalta bases his opinions of scintology on an episode of Star Trek,in which Lietenant O'Hura has a severe attack of flatulence.
dont buy the sheitling watch,it's crap anyway.

also,do NOT buy french overpriced crap from louis vuitton because hippie and heroin user and ugly sight,keith richards from the
rolling stones endorses it.
some things cant be put into fucking pictures,keith richards is a dirty old fucker.


just in,donkey denies it is to marry max.

Prince Philip of Germany Meets Golfer,Nick Maldo at Royal Ascot,amongst Others.

Prince Philip's Hectic Summer.

Hi Chavs, Wizard Prang,Old Beans,
Prince Philip,Duke of Glascow Rangers,here.
I was at royal Ascot this week with the Old Lady,next week it's Wimbledon.
What,i say,what in the name of Bodger McNulty are our young,pouty-lipped,huge-breasted beautiful english ladyfolk coming to?
I lost count...simply lost ...er...lost count of how many nubile,young fillies i saw standing around in the Royal enclosure
waggling their round,sensuous,erotic,shapely bottoms(many without underwear) at every wealthy top hatted home counties cad in sight.
so it's come to "buy me a sushi dinner and a bottle of Heideseck Champagne
and i'll sleep with you later darling?"
They dont even have the bother of pulling down the drawers.


Rich,Johnny Foreigners everywhere,blast it,Bohemian clientele,i was told,
a bunch of drunks and hookers with fat wallets and stunning or connected women with Philip Treacy hats
and golf course designer johnnies and City hedge fund owners alongside them.
i saw some golfing johnny,NICK FULDO or something standing beside me wearing
an orange upmarket woolworths-type shell suit with matching orange trainers.
he's the english curtis cup captain against the wooden planks next september,he looked like
Marjorie Streep in Out of Africa.
300 years ago,i'd have had the Old Lady have him executed.

brought england down they have,him and his chavvie,impudent,lower-middle-class types.
At least in wimbledon,you dont have to listen to nearly as many niteclub bouncer,cor blimey,fuck me guvnor,proletarian cockney accents.

speaking of hats,a bit of insider information,the colour of the Old Lady's coat on Tuesday matched her drawers(she was wearing them),i can tell you that,would have won me a fortune at Paddy Power bookies
if they laid a price on that,wouldnt it?
next week,it's wimbledon,strawberries and cream and shaking endless hands with slanty eyed asian foreigners
and scruffy krusty the clown types like smelly bob geldof and numerous arse lickers from dubai or siberian russia or somewhere near the Caspian Sea.
the honk of Boots fake tanning lotion can get a bit overwhelming,mind.
not as many chavs as at Ascot.
duke of marmalade my arse.

roll on henley,england v south africa and glyndebourne.
in my next report,i shall give some more information on my forthcoming trip to the Irish Scrubland.
these fenian bastards had the impertinence to vote no against the battle of boyne treaty recently,i shall return to that when my blood pressure calms down.
Slan abhaile.

Rip Off from the Irish National Lottery.

It could be you but you know damn well,it wont be you.
Make one usually already well off or rich person obscenely richer,instead of spreading the cash around hundreds/thousands of irish/non-irish people by distributing much larger prizes for 3,4, and 5 winning numbers.
Also gaining from this rip off are voice over actors for the National Lottery on television and radio/media and bone polishing "hot,hippie copywriters" from advertising agencies who invent garbage advert campaigns.
anyway,we're off to buy our lottery ticket,if we dont win it,we hope you do.
Good Luck.

Brave People of Cuba,Rise Up.

Brave people of Cuba,throw out the communist shitheads who give your people failed marxist slogans and garbage.
Bury the corrupt political system along with the arseholes,Fidel and Raul Castro who have enslaved the good and decent citizens of Cuba for the sake of their own self enrichment and self advantage.
Your beautiful country has been exploited and shackled for decades since the degenerate criminal,Fiddler Castro took power.
Kick the dirty commie bastards out of Cuba.
And how long before the good,decent citizens of Venelzuela put the titanic-egoed little bandit,Hugo Chavez into jail?
Get rid of the criminal Castro brothers,hugo Chavez,devil Robert Mugabe and North Korea's sinister,little mad despot,Son of Sam to start with.

Carla Bruni of France to release "my 4000 plus lovers" album.

Pierre Onions,here,bonjour,chevre chaud basquaise.

we,french,are world champions at spoofing and self promotion and talking shite.oui?

me?
i am france's greatest celebrity columnist,oui...i write for the beano and its french equivalent,le figaro..oui,non,oui?
we french never stop f***ing ouiing..non?oui?
today,i write about slicky nicky sarkozy and his current bedroom companion,chanteuse,not tonight,carla bruni.
oui,oui..i need to wee,here carla speaks to you:

carla bruni:
below is the "poetry" from my new album being released outside the eifel Tower in Lyon today.

I am a french slapper,i may dress well and look very dapper.
i am a french tart,despite my 4000 plus lovers,a scrapper,
liasions with hundreds of (piss) artists and politicians,i am a useless fashion conscious rapper.
oui?

pierre onions says:
it's not true everyone was in the "french resistance",in fact the vast majority of french people were collaborators with yellow streaks down their backs and
stopped kissing the nazi arses only when the tide turned against the germans and their many cowardly french pals in world war 2.

thierry henry is expected to line out for france in the right back position against the vichy republic tomorrow,estee lauder,l'oreal and faberge will all line out in midfield.
napolean bonaparte is the lone forward.

st joan of arc is turning in her grave.

SOCCER REFEREES,STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS.

STAND UP FOR FOOTBALL REFEREE'S RIGHTS.

Does the name Simao mean much to you?
No,nothing,however he has joined Italy's Luca Toni in Euro 2008's soccer championship as the biggest and
most useless bone polisher footballer of the Euro 2008 soccer tournament so far.
we sat on our couch at home watching portugal versus the czech republic and we did more there for portugal's cause having a few beers and eating popcorn
than Simao
did during the game out on the pitch.
he must have come out of a jet rejection propulsion laboratory in lisbon.

In breaking news,Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel has exclusively informed this website that
a row has broken out in the German team's camp,General Kapitan Michael Ballack has point blankedly refused an order to
be sent to the russian front,herr ballack said Achtung,scheise Englander in der Luft,he would defintely face croatia,in a tank if he had to.
Chancellor Merkel said wouldnt it be great if all these whinging,moaning,complaining overpaid "superstar"
footballers at euro 2008 were knocked out with a rabbit punch from a referee when one of them started snivelling and arguing about a throw in or
corner or foul.
Wouldnt it be great,millions watching all over the world as some devious international footballer on 50 grand a week starts gesticulating to the ref and
claiming a free kick for himself when it was him,the bastard,who blatantly committed the free kick in the first place.
Whack,the referee decks him,the referee gives himself the red card and off he goes for an early shower and into history for services rendered to fairness and
Mankind.

News just in,big phil scolari will become the new manager of chelsea tractors after euro 2008,big phil gave an off the record
quote to this website saying his first action as new manager of chelsea tractors would be to have simao shot.

tip to all our gambling readers around the 5 continents,switzerland will not win euro 2008,nor will england.
short both switzerland and england.

Calling Italy,Come in Italy Soccer Players at Euro 2008.

EURO 2008.

The Irish People have sent condolences to the italian prime minister,julius caesar,on italy's 3-0 drubbing
at the hand of netherland's orange protestants in berne in swaziland at the euro 2008 soccer championship tonight.
prime minister,julius caesar communicated back his profuse thanks to this website which is gratefully read by 50 million italians every day
and expressed the view that
italy's useless centre forward luca toni was a heap of shite who cant even use his right foot.
what has this 50,000 euro a week cretinous footballer done on the training field for the last 10 years,has he not
bothered even once to practise using his right foot?
Luca,totally left footed, can get away without using his right foot at bayern munich who play in the sub-standard Bundes Wehr in Germany,Fritz Beckenbauer's old team are crap but you can't get away with that against the dutch bastards.



We break at this point for an advertisement.

the 3 dirty Gaffers.
we see johnny piles,former irish football manager dressed up like a pervert in a silk
cravat that's bigger than he is.
we also see jack the giraffe charlton and mick mcmanus,both former irish team soccer managers
lasciviously ogling young pretty italian girls in shorts playing football in italy.
the beer they are promoting is vile and any self respecting italian wouldnt drink this yellow urine.
emperor slipperio berlusconti said he would conduct an immediate inquiry into italy's disgraceful defeat
tonight and would ask the 3 gaffers for an invite to watch these young nymphettes as he was a dirty old man too.

Gilbert on the Golden Mile talks about Beer.

Gilbert,here,Gilbert Gilhooley,ireland's second biggest gangster after Don Berto.
i'm down taking a holiday on the Golden Mile in Marbella in Spain.
the heat is savage..it's 2am in the mornin and it feels like f***ing inside the oven at
johnston,mooney and o'brien's bread baking factory it's hotter than a fucking heatwave on mars.
Verstehen Sie?
i'm tryin to eat me donner kebaberella but it's too hot for me tongue..jaysus..the sweat is drippin off me..i miss bray where i'm from
and havin a few gargles in clancys wilder than the wild west fightin bar.
great fights in there,fantastico,mucho fantastico..i'm too old for all that shite now..
yeah,it's this big brand beer i can't stand...carlsberg,bud weiser,heineken, full of chemicals and tasteless..
like it's been strained through a venereal diseased turkish wrestler's jockstrap..fucking bin juice seepage from a ballyfermot sewer.
as for the guinness down here,blacker than tiger wood's arse,three of my lads drank it from an improperly flushed beer tap,they were on the crapper
for 4 days and we couldnt shift an ounce of coke,not that syrupy californianly piss that's sold all over the globe,the real stuff..
this globalisation and big anonymous brand muck is poisoning us all ..
listen,i have a short fuse but i'm a loyal man,i'm a good boss,i saved modney bojangles's cat's life..his cat is called
tiddles..you think i'm joking,dont you?
serious,i just knew him 15 years ago when we were like...young bucks in the trade..tiddles followed me into
clancys,there were a few cream crackers(note from editor:that cockney london rhyming slang for irish travellers or gypsies)
one of the cream crackers was about to stamp on tiddles as a sick joke and i confronted him..the cream crackers backed off
and i brought tiddles home and left him with me da who was alive then.
modney bojangles hasnt stop lickin me arse since and he's a good and loyal memeber of the band..
jaysus,the english chavs down here and the amount of east european honky tonk brassers is unbelieveable..
you can buy furniture for nothing,empty interior design shops all over the kip..there's more tat and fake designer everything here than in
fucking finglas(dublin hood area).
Golden Mile my bollacks,the sultan of Brunei has an elaborate spread beside mine.. they wouldnt let him onto, dont mind play at my golf course,the k club
i can tell you that..i've never seen a camel on my course,i was goin to talk to you about golf but this fucking heat..
garcon,bring me your best bottle of champagne,this beer is piss...

Don Berto spits in face of Irish People.

IRISH THEATRICAL EVENT OF THE DECADE.

"Don Berto" by Special Arrangement
With the Drumcondra Mafia,
Numerous Other Liars and Paid Flunkies
And Mafia Doll,Selia Barkin.
Catch it Down at the Mahon Tribunal at Dublin Castle.
Don Berto,soon to have his feet sunk in Cement Shoes.

RONALDO EXCLUSIVELY USES NEW HAIR DESTROYING PRODUCT "CRAPGEL".

Buttocks GUARANTEED to be left hairless,claims Brazilian footie player.

Ronaldo,ex brazilian striker and current AC Milan substitute uses a new hair destroying
product that immediately removes every hair on your posterior when applied with a blowtorch.
"Crapgel" containes cysteine crapotein,glycopissysteam and one secret cosmetic component that
will quite literally wipe every hair off your arse in no time it is so potent.
you will be left with chic designer stubleless bald rosy glowing buttock cheeks that will
be the envy of every poncy,overpaid,posy, wimpy, divey English premiership footballer.
your crown will be as smooth and as polished as a red potted ball on a snooker table at the world championship on a balmy,hot day.
remember,endorsed by Ronaldo MacDonaldo from his restaurant seat while eating his Big Crac burger.
All these f***ing prostitutes cost me a bomb,"Ronaldo blurted out in Rio de January in Argentina as he was pursued
by two drunk paparazzi.

Queen Elizabeth advises Prince Philip.

PRINCE PHILIP DEVISES PLAN AT WINDSOR CASTLE FOR HIS TRIP TO IRELAND.

Having breakfast old bean,here in Windsor Castle,i feel right parky,had a nightmare
last night you see,i was locked in a small cubby hole with peggy,little mo and the 2
harridans ..what's one of their names,ronnie,is it?

woke up sweating,i even kicked the old lady out of the bed onto the floor in the middle of the night i was so agitated,couldn't escape,
little mo insisted i have sexual
intercourse with her.

anyway,back to reality and normality this morning...'ere,you,butler,fetch me me pipe and slippers and pronto
or i'll have your guts for garters.

these working class people today,especially these uppity londoners think they're all funnymen or City barrowboys,they all want to
be famous or celebrities,lounge around all day,off to wentworth to play golf.

anyway,we(Queen Elizabeth the First and I) have decided I shall wear my Old Etonian bowler hat on my forthcoming trip to Dublin,i shall distribute bread and dripping to the
hundreds of thousands of urchins of that city from grafton street,dawson street and a place called temple bar
where many poor cockneys visit on their cheap weekend breaks to scotland..er..i mean island,er ireland.
'ere where the bleedin 'ell is my hot chocolate,butler?

Prince Philip,Duke of Glascow Rangers to visit Dublin.

Best Things in Life Cost a Fortune.

As i speak to you,poor catholics of ireland,tug your forelocks and doff your hats to me.
My wife,Queen Elizabeth the First,and i have decided to brighten up your dreary lives with a visit from my regal self.
We understand some of your new mega rich like sky pilot and airline owner,michael o'cleary and broadcasting and media
legend,pat the squatter kenny of rte telly bingo fame are very anxious to kiss my arse and ingratiate themselves into upper class high society.
i shall be shopping in dublin at some of your most famous stores such as Harrods and Aldi and Lidl,my people here in Buckingham Palace
inform me that these establishments are run by good Vorsprung durch Technik German stock like myself,my surname is Saxe Gotha Coburg after all,
we only changed our name when our boys in Deutschland began losing heavily in WW1.
we told our people that although ireland has made some economic progress in the last decade,we will not be visiting any roman Catholic lazy dosser areas of
dublin such as the Falls road or anywhere along the river Lee.
Catholic men with Aran sweaters or irish women with cheap peig sayers-style shawls will receive only manky looks from myself and my consort,Her Majesty,Queen of Great Britain and the Outer Hebrides.
remember my motto always,the best things in life cost a fortune as queen victoria used to constantly remind me.
my good lady wife and i will be arriving by fast ferry in the area known as Kingstown or Doon Leary as it pronounced in
icelandic.
you may now rise from your kneeling positions,i have to go and hatch another little plot against that madman,prince charles.

Like Urinating into a Countervailing Wind.

BATTLE OF THE FINGLAS HORSES.
Gilbert Gilhooley,here,yours truly,the biggest and best gangster in Ireland.

you know all those millions of people it seems who waffle on every day about how we all need to reduce
our carbon arseprint,could they simply not refrain from breaking wind for a few months and shut the fuck up?
ah,me head is hoppin' off me,i have a hangover from too many koppaberg swedish ciders and a few pints it feels of gin and tonics last night in clancys bar in bray,
so i'm
not in the best of moods,right?.

listen,i told you i like a bet now and again but the horses i put the few bob on the last time
in paddy powers were worthless nags,they all finished nowhere,i hope they finish up as glue and soon.
speaking of nags,modney bojangles and fatso kelly had their polo match last sunday in
finglas,it ended in a fight and a riot but fatso kelly won.
listen boss,modney whinged to me up there in finglas,fatso is cheating,he has professional jockeys
and cian o'connor on his polo team.
cian o'connor?
he's the lad won a gold medal at the sydney olympic horsejumping event all those years ago,
his horse smoked a few joints before his round to calm himself down,you know,give him an advantage over the other
nags over the fences.i suppose nags get excited and make unforced errors when they're "jumpy" if you get my drift?
fatso had jockeys johnny murtagh,kieran fallon,lester piggot or maybe it was tracey piggot,i'm not sure.

it's a wonder fatso didnt produce arkle and shergar,modney bojangles,complained to me at half time during the polo match.

modney bojangles just couldnt take defeat and lost the head after the 19-1 drubbing,he clocked fatso,knocked him out,i had to send him to spain for
a fortnight,because fatso would have killed him when he woke and got out of beaumount hospital.

i gave fatso the patek philippe platinum watch,value,89 grand and he's my new capo and that means a good lot more shillings
in the pocket for him from now on.
i said to fatso at visiting time by way of sympathy,life is like urinating into a countervailing wind at times,sure we all just have to get
on with it.
next time i'll tell you about my golf club,i wont give away the name but it begins and ends with a k.
so until next time,piss off,me fucking head is throbbing.

Bono,irish world celeb,may have haemorrhoids.

More useless "celebrity" product endorsements.

Padraig Harrington,ubiquitous irish pitch and putter,winner of last year's Balbriggan Open,recommends Flora pro-activ to grease the wheel axles on your car-just rub it on your hands first,Padraig says.

glenda gilson,never off the pages of the irish tabloids recommends using haemorrhoid cream "Wipe O",after a glitzy freebie whirlwind party at somebody else's expense,glenda gilson is not actress glenda jackson's daughter it is unreliably misinformed.
glenda liked to play some movie roles in the nip or was that alan bates and oliver reed?

buy "Wipe O" from the roadside,if you can,glenda says.
there are reports that glenda may marry tv3's alan hughes which would be the biggest wedding of the year as well as the biggest surprise of the century so far.

victoria bickham,partner of los angelus basketball megastar,mensa's dave bickham has reportedly had more colonic irrigation treatment for her throat in st tropez.

transocean drilling rig,down the hole iv,has spudded a well off the coast of austria in preparation for next month's expected gusher.

gerald keane and his son,roy keane,infamous sunderland oil rig worker have both said off the record to newspaper editors that
organic champagne at 34 euro a bottle is "quite nice."

drop everything for next july the 22nd when all of ireland's 2 world celebrities and the rest of the z listers hold a massive party
in leitrim to discuss the texture and size of a mink's bollacks after "partying" all day on a spaceshuttle moored on the river shannon.

in the evening,bono,lead singer with the beatles and van morrisey,mr laugh a minute,will give a concert for 200,000,000 swiss francs,once it's
paid in cash and sent to holland where no taxes will be paid on it.
your next "celebrity" update will come from hollywood in march.

Queen Elizabeth the Second sends this website best wishes.

Website receives Greetings and Best Wishes from Queen Elizabeth the First.

A large number of Australians have been in touch with our website recently,independent sources estimate
we have several hundred thousand readers in that fair dinkum land.

it has been made known to us that the ruler of england and australia herself has sent her best wishes
to this website,Her Majesty reads the website every day and "one finds it very amusing",she said to her
corgis at breakfast last friday.

thank you your majesty,we understand your husband prince philip of greece,the duke of glascow rangers has tried to have a number of your corgis
assassinated on several occasions and we wish to inform him that this is not nice at all.
to our corgi friends in buckingham palace,woof woof.

Irish Gangsters to play polo in hood area of dublin.

gilbert gilhooley,ireland's biggest thug and gangster here,how are ye all?
no that i give a buck.
documents disappear,golf outings that were fictitious,collective memory loss,does the crook bertie ahern
think us other criminals don't read the daily newspapers or have opinions,that we are all thick as a premiership footballer?
junior ministers by the dozens,the bunch of lazy,bucking dossers,all dressed up in expensive suits and ties and
all hats and no knickers for the lady junior ministers.
dont do a tap of work,they sit on their bony arses all day,doing nothing.
what am i waffling on about?
you must be from planet mars.
the irish mafia who "run" the country of ireland,run it into the ground.
i'm a patriotic gangster,i'll have you know.

anyway,on with my news,i have to decide between fatso kelly or modney bojangles as my new capo,both
are first class hitmen,loyal troops,and dishonest as the summer day is long.
i couldnt show any favouritism so i decided,right,lads,
we hold a polo match,get your polo teams together by next sunday,round up as many stray horses as ye can in
finglas(a hood area of dublin)pick your teams and may the best man win.

modney bojangles is anally retentive,fierce fussy and looked at me as if i was a horse myself.

polo?
in fucking finglas?

i said yeah,who ever wins meaning who ever scores the most goals by the end of the game gets a patek philippe swiss watch,a brand new one,mind,no chinese counterfeit crap.
and becomes my capo,understood?

fatso kelly nodded his agreement.
that's fine by me boss,fatso kelly said,but i'd prefer to have our polo game in fucking timbucktoo,
i hate finglas,rember that fucker who shot me in the neck,i was in hospital for 7 months?

so what?i said.that's ...yonks ago..

he's from finglas,well he was before he was dead.
alright boss,polo next sunday.fatso said.
where do i get the gear?

listen,batter the patter,zip the lip,how do i know where you get polo gear?
just...get it...

ROTTEN PARLIAMENTARY BOROUGHS OF IRELAND.

Prime Minister of Ireland,Brian Cower and Tanaiste/Deputy Prime Minister,Eamon Coughlan speak to the World.

BRIAN COWER.
it is true,dear lowly people of ireland,that dail eireann,the irish parliament is indeed the woodstock for nepotists.
we thoroughly agree the old boy/old girl network is fully alive and kicking in our country,no,please stop,this is not our usual verbal slop but the truth.
we,mary or is it eamon,sure mary will do,both agree that the people of ireland understand that ONLY WE can truly represent
the interests of ireland's voters.
we are the rock aristocracy of ireland,we pass the laws around here,boy,laws that suit the wealthy like us.
like robert mugabe,like sheikh ali bare buttocks,ruler of west yemen,or some little emperor whose every uttereance receives warm-eyed applause and uncritical praise.
like the rotten boroughs of our old enemy,merrie england,an electoral area MUST elect an irish member of parliament that has previously had their
father,mother,uncle,aunt,brother,sister etc etc as member of the irish parliament IN THAT ELECTORAL AREA BEFORE THEM.
i myself,inherited the seat of my constituency from my late father,mary coughlan inherited her seat in the irish parliament from her late father,her late uncle was also a
member of the irish parliament.
we have 166 irish members of parliament,for example,tom kitt,his brother michael kitt and his sister aine brady nee kitt are members of the irish parliament like their father
was an irish member of parliament before them as just one little example.
another is brass neck beverly flynn,like father,like daughter(thanks for passing me down your parliamentary seat in mayo,daddy,i'll give all my constituents tax avoidance advice,daddy)
peasants of ireland come to us for largesse and solving of your grubby problems in our clinics.
MAINTAIN this old boy/old girl network,this old school tie trickery on the irish people.

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY,you get the message,in ireland,members of the parliament pass on their seats like minor english nobility to their offspring and siblings.
it's the rotten borough system as of yore but it's dressed up in democratic clothes and fools the voters every time.
this system has the advantage of excluding 99 % of ordinary irish people from running for office for parliament because no one will have a bucking chance of being elected against the party machines.
was your pa a member of the irish parliament before you boy/lassie?No,then buck off.
KEEP ORDINARY IRISH PEOPLE OUT IS OUR MESSAGE,in fact i dont think there is hardly a single
member of the irish parliament who has NOT inherited his or her seat.
now,i will keep my parliamentary seat down in offaly warm with my cosy arse and ready for MY children to inherit when their time comes in the future,so will mary,wont you mary?
it's anti irish and anti competitive but hey,i dont want MY kids to end up as plate stackers in some crap restaurant in clara,do i?nor do you,eamon?sorry,mary.
we have work to do like reducing the continuous sooty emissions from our green party "colleagues" in government,now buck off,
i'm a gruff prime minister from ireland who can shout down any of you,protect the perjurers i say.
lawlessness and disorder and terrorism by gurrier gangsters on irish streets,the irish health service has collapsed,so what?
my kids will get a fantastic salary as member of the irish parliament,you get priveliges by the score,large pensions,fawning,
the best seats in posh restaurants,doffing of hats from your inferiors,you get position,prestige and respect at the golf club,packages of organic food from trevor sergeant,
free rides on tax evaders' yachts,free rides in private jets,free loft insulation for your pets in your 8 bed mansions.
yes,dear hoi polloi of ireland,you've made it in this country today if you have a tax avoiding relative in the yard and a rich bastard td in the family.
nepotism,begobbery and sleeveenism are rife in dail eireann but have a nice day,folks.

Irish thug and gangster,gilbert gilhooley tips brazil as investment.

gilbert gilhooley,here,i'm just having my brekker,that's dublin slang for breakfast to
our millions of international readers.
by the way,welcome to all our new blog readers in papua new guinea or is it cuba?
apparently they've all just got computers for the first time.
these little confiture pots of jam are lovely on toast,
i rob them out of the shelbourne hotel,
me and the lads plan our next robberies there while having
afternoon tea.
it's very civilised and less chance of us being bugged by those criminal asset bureau bastards.
they cant eavesdrop because of the background noise.
yeah,this little pot of ...what is it?
yeah raspberry jam is fab on lightly browned toast.
i could pay for them of course but i like robbing things,
i'm a kleptomaniac since i was in the pram,i used to rob me brothers and sisters rattles.
we meet our accountants in all the best five star hotels in dublin(that's dublin,ireland,not dublin,ohio),plan where to invest our
monies,brazil is red hot at the moment,them brazilians are finding black gold,all over the
shop off their coast.
so my advice to you is,buy the ishares brazil exchange traded fund(etf),
it invests all your money in the biggest and best companies in brazil.
sorry have to take this call..who?
yeah,huntsman of savile row,you have those 25 handmade suits ready for the courier,they'll be
with me in a couple of days time.
brillianto.
having millions is great,another thing i'm thinking of getting into is the ould nags,you know racehorses,
buy a few to beat that sheikh al maktoum's godolphin stables gee gees.
having money and making more is,you know,it's just about having the right attitude between your ears,
know what i mean?
having all this loot is a blast,a fucking blast i tell ya.
talking of nags,i think i'll hop down to paddy powers bookmakers and place a few bets on them.

fatso,fatso,get me gucci sunnies,drive me down to paddy powers in ballsbridge.

sorry boss,your what?

me sunnies,me fucking sunnies,are you deaf as well as stupid?

sorry,i dont understand boss.

me shades,me sunglasses you thick bastard,we're wasting time here,now get me me sunnies,me gucci sunnies.

end.

FIFA announces remainder of 2008 World Eleven.

FIFA tonight announced the midfield and striker positions for its World XI TEAM OF 2008.
Gunther Assassin,FIFA spokesperson and referee enforcer said it hadn't been a hard choice at all,he'd give the world's press the names of the successful players and would then ask the journalists to piss off as soon as possible as there was still serious drinking of fine wines and eating of even finer food to be done by FIFA's executive committee that evening.

MIDFIELD:
Sushi Sashimi-Japan.

Paris Onions-France.

Bruce Burntbarbiesausage-Australia.

Pork Chow Mein-China.

STRIKERS:
Eduardo Brazil Nut-Brazil.

Nelson Giblets-Ghana.

Manager John Piles said he was quite happy but didnt say why.

Irish gangster,gilbert gilhooley,launches his new website:www.protectionmoney.com

Gilbert Gilhooley,here,ireland's number one gangster and thug.

it's defintely the computer age,i've just had my web designer,public relations and communications expert,fatso kelly,
design my latest website..www.protectionmoney.com,
now our customers can send their weekly instalments to us via the paypal
system,no problemo,it's easy peasy,comes off their visa or mastercards or
whatever one they have.saves a fortune on labour costs,having to send round a few of our lads with baseball bats,doesn't look good,know what i mean?

the traffic is fierce out there,the lads are forever moaning about the gridlock,it's very hard to find a space to park their sports utility vehicle and blah blah,they never shut up.
next they'll be wanting a lend of my maserati quattroporte.

i've been busy of late,two of my eldest sons just came into the business last week..and one of them,
al capone gilhooley,wants me to build him a recording studio for the up and coming rap artists of
tallaght and blanchardstown,he wants to be a famous record producer like that glutinous gobshite,simon
bowel or whatever his bleedin name is that's always on the telly.
da,da,he keeps going on,me and fatso junior(fatso kelly's son)have written this ace song-"bertie is a drumcondra bollacks",it's a cert for number 1 in the charts.

for our international readers,tallaght and blanchardstown are the hood districts of dublin,ireland.
i told al capone junior,i cannot liquidate any more of my extensive investments held offshore just like that,
there is a bastard organisation known as the criminal assets bureau(CAB)like the FBI one of whom called to my 7 bedroom
pad in ballsbridge recently with a search warrant and sarcastically and continuously remarked on my objets par excellence dotted about some of the rooms.
for our international readers,ballsbridge is a posh leafy area of dublin,the business hood of the city.it cost me 18 million euro to buy my place,bought with cash of course.
this CAB,FBI type smartarse picked up one of my faberge eggs and asked did i get it as an present from the Easter bunny?
i actually got some of them from a very high up big wig member of the irish parliament who we snapped
while out of his head on cocaine with a lady of the night who posed with him in all her brazilian waxed glory
having kindly removed her posh undercrackers for the benefit of the blackmail.
he was so full of snow,he tried to bagel the arse off the free standing dishwasher instead of the call girl.
he owns half of dublin and cork.

listen,i'm an ultra-high net worth individaul.
i have to make vast profits to keep the show on the road just like the buckers in the so called "reputable" business and politics
fields.
we are all of us collectors of loot,i am honest about my criminal business,i am not a shady businessman or creepy irish politico putting his paw
out to developers,sticking their fangs into the necks of their victims and sucking out their blood.
irish politicos are the most corrupt and biggest gangsters there are,i'm tellin ya.

we're raking in the money,too,this internet is rapid,fantastico,i might even buy al capone junior his rap recording studio after all,"bertie is a drumcondra bollacks" might make it to number 1 after all.
sure you have to look after your own,dont ya?
what you lookin' at,pal?

Mary Harney,Irish Minister of Fat Arses.

NAPPER TANDY,STAR NEWS CHIEF REPORTER TRIES TO MEASURE WIDTH OF MINISTER MARY HARNEY'S ARSE.

STAR NEWS CENTRE TO NAPPER TANDY.
Come in Napper,is your hangover finally gone?
over and out.

NAPPER TO SKY NEWS CENTRE.
Buck me hangover,i can't find a measuring tape.

STAR NEWS TO NAPPER.
A measuring tape for what purpose,Napper?

NAPPER TO SKY NEWS CENTRE.
For what purpose?
Have you forgotten my assignment?
I was warned by star news chief executive no less not to come back without the
precise measurement of the width of the arse of irish Minister of Hospital Patient Torture and Cruelty,Mary Harney.
Now i could make a good guess of the width of this bessie bunter's arse but yeah,you have it in one,
get the precise measurement i've been told..the precise measurement.

MINISTER MARY HARNEY TO THE PLAIN PEOPLE OF IRELAND AT PRESS INTERVIEW.
our health service in eire,i mean ireland is excellent,the envy of the solar system,we will create centres for excellence in 3021 ad,
i am sure of that.
elderly people tortured,children's kidney's removed by mistake,a mere trifle.
we have paid another fortune to a firm of consutants,i have their name here,yes,the firm of
Bureaucratic Tickbirds and Bone Polishing Consultants Ltd will receive fortunes to tell lies about the irish health service,
of course it will take them years to finish their report.
mmm,i'm really starving you know.
excuse me,while i put another half stone on my fat arse,just let me savage this Kerry Western Fried Hot Battery
Chicken wrap..yum yum,i love food,i love power without responsibility,i love talking shite,i simply love destroying the irish health service.

STAR NEWS TO NAPPER TANDY.
Napper,napper did you get all minister harney's press interview on camera?
and did you get the tape to measure the width of her arse?

NAPPER TO STAR NEWS CENTRE.
Affirmative,her arse measure 11 metres in width but i have a scoop for star news viewers.
ok,i also got the chance to measure minister harney's brass neck but i was unsuccessful,her brass neck is
immeasurable.
let me out of here,after hearing that harney garbage,i'm to the pub for a rake of gargle.

end.

FIFA announces 2008 World Football X1.

FIFA today announced part of its WORLD FOOTBALL team of 2008.

Because FIFA are well fed,overpaid and underworked nose pickers,
they have decided to release the goalkeeping and defence positions only at the present time,when they are finished eating their fine paid for
meals and drinking their posh wines,
they will announce the midfiled and strikers.

"They'll select the rest of the team when they feel like it",one of the
lazy bone polishers said to associated press,he asked not to be identified.


GOALKEEPER-Javier Jabugo Pata Negra-Spain.

BACK FOUR-
Parmiano Reggiano-Italy.

Adolf Wiener Schnitzel-Austria.

Sven Smorgasbord-Sweden.

Fernando Fajitas-Mexico.

Manager of this notional World FOOTBALL team:
John Piles-Ireland.

Time Team Tony,Mean Celebrity Bonepolisher.

TIME TEAM TONY(ROBINSON.)

Who is the meanest bastard "celebrity" you know of?

Remember baldrick from blackadder,this little man pops up everywhere on tv today,if he isnt
getting hysterical about a piece of crap from anglo saxon,moxy viking or bronze age times such as a sliver of pottery from a bockety 10,000 year old jug,he's
ranting on about some crap bog cleaner called "domestos" in an advert voice over.

are you not rich enough,you little money monopolising bastard baldrick?

can you not give the advert gig to some struggling actor who actually needs the money?

are you a multi-millionaire or a billionaire,dying to get up to number 1 in the sunday times rich list?

do you go home to one of your six houses in surrey and five apartments in the bahamas after unearthing a turd from the roman 3rd century behind hadrian's wall?

this blokes real name or is it a stage name is tony robinson.

would you not f**** off tony and flush yourself away with "domestos"down the crapper out of decent people's lives?

New automatic arse-washing-and-drying device for irish government ministers.

NEWSFLASH:
NEW COMPUTERISED,REMOTELY CONTROLLED ARSE WASHING DEVICE FOR LAZY IRISH GOVERNMENT POLITICIANS.

automatic arse-washing-and-drying toilets or bidet seats as they are known in the offices and luxury houses of the irish times newspaper editors and executives
are to be installed in dail eireann(irish parliament) and in the upmarket hotels,public houses and race courses where irish government politicians and
ministers are almost always found.
for our international readers,irish government ministers are allergic to work and downright incompetent,even sicilian politicos in the pay of the mafia consider irish politicians totally corrupt.
many irish parliament politicians have brothers and sisters and aunts and husbands,pets,flunkies, and wives and every class of relation in the business,it really is a family affair in the irish parliament,if you dont have a relative
in the irish parliament,you havent a chance of getting elected(99.9 % of the irish people).
the prime minister of ireland's father passed his seat onto his son,there are 3 siblings from the same family amongst 166 members of parliament,you get the picture,it's an exclusive club for hand me downs to me sons and daughters.
each lazy bastard irish politician will be provided with a remote control to wipe their lazy arses next week it is believed from sources deep inside somewhere.
there is washing of the area,drying,massaging,enema,deodoriser,you get the picture?
sleeveenism and begobbery were rampant in irish politics when the lord lieutenants from great britain ran and exploited our beautiful country decades ago over hundreds of years
but it's far worse when your own kind(supposedly) are the lazy bastards misruling the citizens.
criminals are two a penny everywhere in ireland today(that's outside the irish chamber by the way),the health service has collapsed,old people are tortured in hospitals and the rich tax thieving tax exile bastards get richer every day in ireland at the expense of the ordinary man and woman.
government cabinet ministers,martin cullen,willie the kid o'dea,gargantuan mary harney were amongst the first to rush out for their arse-washing device.
end.

AL GORE,AND MICHAEL MOORE,PUBLICITY WHORE.

AL GORE,PUBLICITY WHORE INTERVIEWED BY MICHAEL MOORE,PUBLICITY WHORE.

MICHAEL TO AL.
Hi al,baby,your new dreadlocks look cool,dude.
and those toeless sandals are simply awesome,man.
save the tofu,brother,save the tofu.

AL TO MIKE.
these new dreadlocks are my personal carbon footprint to the planet,baby.
share the love,share the love.

MIKE TO AL.
Hug me al,this junkie dude just ransacked one of my several wind powered homes..i didnt phone the pigs,al, i just hugged the guy,hey,he's a hippie like us..the guy said thanks dumbass,he'd hug a tree
for me on the way back to his dealer.

AL TO MIKE.
check this out,dude.
I'm releasing a press statement to the world's media,mike that this is the best time of year for the people of the united states to eat parsnips.

MIKE TO AL.
awesome,man,that is a-w-e-s-o-m-e.
share the love,baby,share the love,come here al,let me hug ya man.

AL TO MIKE.
er..no thanks,mike.
you could sure do with a wash,mike...or maybe recycle those gross underpants you're wearing.

MIKE TO AL.
sure al.
Hey man,i bought a new Toyota Prius,guess what,al,it's powered by parsnip juice,so i wont just get to eat those parsnips,man,they can power my new
batmobile,hey man,that's awesome.

AL TO MIKE.
well,this interview is coming to its end,mike,
i'm flying several billion miles later on this evening,jeeze,so what if i'm using up more energy than
every single commie factory in eastern china put together,but i'm well on my way to being a trillionaire and
becoming master of the green universe,that's all that counts.

MIKE TO AL.
share the love,baby,share the love.
save all the racoons,man,save all the racoons,brother.


end.

HANOI JANE FONDA RECOMMENDS HILLARY OR BARACK.

HANOI JANE FONDA,AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE LIBERAL.

hi,i'm hanoi jane fonda,you little people in america know me as the world's greatest oscar winning,movie actress of all time.
excuse me while i put this skin cream on my rough ass,it keeps it more supple and younger.
you know,i get suitcases full of dong(that's the currency of vietnam for all you stupid people in america) for advertising this useless crap.
now,the reason i've agreed to speak to all you american people in your little subprime mess shacks today is this,it don't matter whether we liberals in the united states vote for hillary or barack,we just make sure we vote democrat,you got that?
you do as i tell you,d'ya hear?
this is hanoi jane fonda from her mansion in beverly hills.
now,where's that cream for my self promoting ass?

Madonna and Guy,Celebrity Nobodies.

MADONNA.

Madonna has made it big as a mega pop star,in the movies,on global tv,on the internet worldwide.

Madonna has her own clothing range and now there is a hot rumour sweeping the world that she is to introduce 2 new premium perfumes across the globe next week.

For Her,the perfume is to be seductively named SLAPPER,and for HIM,in honour of her latest partner Guy Ritchie,the perfume is to be launched with the name,DICKHEAD.

Buy them discounted in your local stores,they cost 5 cents a bottle.

WHAT DOES A BOLEX WATCH SAY ABOUT YOU?

A BOLEX watch will never change the world.
We leave that to the Bolexes who wear them.
Hey buddy,have you got the time on you?

DON BERTO OF DRUMCONDRA FORCED TO RESIGN.

Breaking News.

Don Berto of the Drumcondra Low Life Mafia has been forced to resign from his position as Ireland's leading boss...breaking news...Multi-millionaire Don Berto Ahernleone of the Drumcondra Mafia has been forced to resign from his (minimum)300,000 euro a year position...breaking news...Don Berto of the Drumcondra Mafia and former Minister of Dirty Money in the early 1990s insists to his hairy arsed,omerta,tax evading and land scout mafiosi buddies,he hasn't an Irish tax clearance certificate...his former Doll,beauty salon owner Celia Smug isn't bothered she claims..breaking news..Don Berto,mr sleaze of the Drumcondra Mafia claims he did lodge thick wads of Sterling to his non-existent bank accounts but cant remember...breaking news...decent people of Ireland rejoice on the streets of the country.

SONIC BERTIE AHERN REPELLER.

NOTE TO OUR MILLIONS OF INTERNATIONAL READERS:

BERTIE AHERN IS THE CORRUPT PRIME MINISTER OF IRELAND.

Make Ireland a Bertie Ahern-Free zone.
The Sonic Bertie Ahern Repeller detects and repels this dreadful lying man without harming any innocents.The Repeller is easy to install and protects decent Irish and non-national citizens by using an Infra Red stench detection system to monitor Bertie Ahern's approach from a distance of 1000 miles.
It detects Bertie Ahern moving into your area and triggers a burst of continuously invariable ultrasound and loudhailer message:WARNING:Bertie Ahern is approaching your area,evacuate,evacuate,stench approaching.
Battery operated,this brilliant unit is for sale for 99.95 euro and worth every cent,proceeds will go to removing Ahern from office very soon.

gilbert gilhooley the gangster loves irish judges.

gilbert gilhooley here,just another one of ireland's multitude of thugs and gangsters but i am a very high profile and successful one. who are my heroes i'm asked now and again?
irish judges that's who.
where would we irish criminals be without them,the devil bless them. excuse me for a minute,i was out till 4am last night organising another large shipment of cocaine for my loyal customers.
i'm bucking ravenous. just put the cheese and gorgeous galtee rashers in between the two slices of this freshly baked bobbys bab..bucking pollacks,i'm starvin..gorgeous.
how many irish judges are on the take?
i dont know for sure but i have 4 on my books... and people wonder why so many judges let us off with suspended sentences..the devil bless them.. excuse me while i bed down for a few more hours kip and then it's down to me local later for a few pints ..
we call our local the bullet proof jacket,that's not its real name but sure i'll tell the real name again.. now buck off,i'm tired. END.

DINNY O'WINE,IRISH BILLIONAIRE AND PATRIOT.

BILLIONAIRE,IRISH PATRIOT AND TAX COMPLIANT DENIS "DINNY" O'WINE.


STAR NEWS CENTRE HERE,COME IN CHIEF REPORTER NAPPER TANDY AT DUBLIN AIRPORT.

NAPPER TANDY TO CAMERA.
everyone in ireland knows billionaire denis "dinny" o'wine rightly expects from the irish peasantry the prestige and respect that is his due.
dinny,is with his one friend in life who he pays to be his friend and who is carrying his suitcases stuffed with cash.
dinny is on his way to his tax exile haven today in malta.

NAPPER TO DINNY.
how much do you owe the irish people dinny in lost tax revenues?

DINNY TO NAPPER. push off,you space cadet.

NAPPER TO DINNY.
space cadet,is it? i'm no space cadet,i'm a part time astronaut though as well as Star news chief reporter.. do you want a bite dinny of my microgravity paste stuffed chicken in these tubes i have in my lunchbox?

WE SEE NAPPER TUCKING INTO HIS GRUB.

NAPPER TO DINNY O'WINE.
why do you think the footaball association of ireland sold their remaining last small tads of reputation and their souls to you for a few bob,dinny?

DINNY TO NAPPER.
becaus they want to save their own bacon,they want good public relations for themselves and for me and didnt they get trap door toni,one of the best loophole lax tax law experts in the universe..as well as in ireland?

NAPPER TO DINNY.
trap door toni isnt an accountant or tax expert,dinny,he's a highly regarded football manager.

DINNY.
What the buck,i thought he was a genius in fumbling in the greasy tills of places,to borrow a phrase from one of ireland's world's famous nobel prize winning poets of the past ronald mcdonald.

NAPPER.
ronald mcdonald isnt an irish poet,dinny,he's dutch i think,too,not irish..that quote is .. it's from irish poet,samuel speckett,dinny.

NAPPER TANDY TO AUDIENCE.
don't go away,we'll be back shortly after this short break. (that's about 17 minutes time)

ADVERT.
hi,i'm hanoi jane fondue,i put this cosmetic crap on my face for Forunreal cosmetics becaue i'm not worth a dime.
Forunreal cosmetics pay me..hanoi jane fondue,millions of dollars,that's botswanian dollars to promote this muck. remember,i love myself,there are millions of kids dying in the world but that dont matter,once you viewers love me and kiss my hanoi jane ass when i tell you to.
remember i'm not worth a dime.

STAR SPORTS HERE.
Napper come in what do you think of our chances for qualifying for the soccer world cup in 2010 in south bronx?

NAPPER.
we're in with a great chance until the first match against the italians starts,where did i leave that bottle of gin?

STAR NEWS,BREAKING NEWS AND BREAKING WIND EVERY 15 MINUTES.

NAPPER TO CAMERA/AUDIENCE.
Well,there's tax compliant billionaire and irish patriot,dinny o'wine boarding his private jet for malta. dinny is like a lot of today's irish- rich,law abiding and a total canker.

END.

Pee Bandit and Daughter of Pee Bandit in Quiz.

You're a Creep Talent Show,Ireland's Creepiest Show.

BRIAN DORMOUSE TO FIRST CONTESTANT,PEE BANDIT.
Come on down Pee Flynn,you have a fantastic chance to keep 50,000 euro if you do NOT answer the question and if you do NOT sing like a canary.
Is it true you are a big chief down in castlebar known by some of the local idiot braves as chief foul yellow water?

PEE FLYNN TO BRIAN DORMOUSE.
True Mr Dormouse,i often can't believe how so many gobshites there are down at home who believe the piss i come out with for decades.it simply amazes me.
I'm a nympho for free cash,brian..did you hear me,i'm a nympho for free smakeroos that aren't mine.
i will NOT answer the question,mr dormouse sir,shure,i cant sing a f***ing note,do i get to keep the 50 big ones..?

BRIAN DORMOUSE TO PEE FLYNN.
Stop sticking your forked tongue out at me,Pee,i'm just a quiz show host.

PEE FLYNN TO BRIAN DORMOUSE.
Look brian here's me smug and crass daughter beverly cooper flynn.
Bev the Clev Clev calls me an artist,a piss artist,the biggest piss artist in connaught formely known as the prince of mayo bandits.

WE SEE BEVERLY ENTERS THE STUDIO RIDING A UNICYCLE.
BEVERLY TO AUDIENCE.
Hi folks,i'm appearing on tonight's show to offer each and every member of the audience free tax advice...did you hear that? free tax advice.

WE SEE THE AUDIENCE RUNNING OUT OF THE STUDIO. BEVERLY TO AUDIENCE.
Come back,come back,it's not true who ever said Pee and Me have more slapheaded naked ambition than the bald arse of Yul Bryner..come back..come back i say.. i have some horse tranquilisers to sell if anyone is interested..

END.

GILHOOLEY THE GANGSTER LOVES CIVIL LIBERTIES.

GILBERT GILHOOLEY THE WELL EDUCATED IRISH GANGSTER LOVES HIS CIVIL LIBERTIES.

Gilbert Gilhooley here,the well educated irish gangster ..welcome to all our international readers. I'm a Drug Baron by trade,one of a many multitude in this Emerald Isle of ours,this Land of Abundant Sinners and Celtic Plentiful Free Trade in Hard Drugs.
Look,why do I sell massive amounts of heroin and cocaine,it's easy that's why..there's a regular,steady market,a few thousand people die,it comes with the terroritory...but look at your man supposedly running the country,Dirty Bertie..sure what's wrong with me making a few dishonest shillings as well.
Ireland is bulging with criminals and gangsters and hitmen,sure they'll start an apprenticeship course in it soon.. i dont like hard work either,that's why i do it,too and it's rise and shine and up at the crack of noon everyday,which suits me just grand,i like a lie in,i'm a lazy bastard my parole officer used to say to me,before he was shot.
It's the Gardai,the irish police to our internations readers,i feel sorry for,sure i cant remember how many times i've been busted,off to the police station and a few hours later..hey presto,i'm sprung..my lawyer gives them an earful of civil liberites and human rights violations and sure,it's auf wiedersehen,lads,i'm off down the pub in christy's merc i gave him for christmas,a few calls on the mobile and everything's running like clockwork again.
there's more files on me in the director of public prosecutions folder than there are liberals in ballsbridge..and that's millions.. sure us gangsters cant get enough of the civil liberites brigade..you'll be hearing more from me in the future.. remember the name Gilhooley the Gangster.

JOE GUFFY'S FIVELINE PROGRAMME ON RTE.

This week features JOE GUFFY from RTE Radio's Fiveline programme. RTE stands for Radio Television of Eire,it is the broadcasting organ of Ireland.

This week,we announce the RTE "You're a Lavatory Cleaner Star with Us",this is a new award created to honour the many stars and geniuses working for the State Broadcaster.

In fact,everyone working at RTE considers themselves either a star or a genius. Joe,who has absolutely no talent,and is an increasingly cranky effer,has previously and often received the Bluetongue Award from his popular peers at the station (or should that be the Browntongue Award?).

Joe gets all his ideas for the Fiveline programme from Irish and foreign newspapers and magazines.
As a new born baby Joe was given away by his parents but luckily for him,he was found in a wicker basket on the doorstep of SHOWBUSINESS LEGEND,Gaybo Byrne on the doorstep of Gaybo's palatial Howth Mansion.
Gaybo is a workaholic and a multimillionaire and reputed to own half of the city of Dublin,like the effect of advertising though,he doesn't know which half.
From a young age,Joe Guffy,enthusiastically nodded yes at everything Gaybo told him(whether it was wrong or right) and soon ingratiated himself into the affections of the legendary Gaybo,who is 4 foot 11 inches in height.
Next week,it is the turn of chief political reporter and World Mensa number 1,RTE's Charlie Birdshite to come under the spotlight.

Let the Yellow Party eat (organic) cake.

LET THE YELLOW PARTY EAT (ORGANIC) CAKE.

Bertie the First,High King of All Ireland and Tinpot Taoiseach receives Tribute and Deference from his lowly sychophantic minions in the Yellow Party and from mayo independent,Lady Macbeth Cooper Flynn.

BERTIE TAKES HIS BLING BEJEWELLED CROWN FROM HIS HEAD AND POLISHES IT WITH HIS SPIT.

EAMON WHINE,MINISTER FOR NO COMMUNICATIONS AND TORTOISE BROADBAND SPEEDS NERVOUSLY APPROACHES BERTIE THE FIRST AND BOWS DOWN LOW BEFORE HIM.

EAMON TO BERTIE THE FIRST.
We come,we come.. Your Highness as Planet Bertie Savers bearing Gifts of greenhouse gas and carbon emissions,ignore the Irish people who say principle is dead in irish politics,O Great One,the irish people are fools.

BERTIE THE FIRST SPEAKS TO HIS SYCHOPHANTS.
Sure i know that,i've codded them on a massive scale for decades..enriched meself,manifold,i have and enjoyed the beautiful trappings of power.

BERTIE THE FIRST TO EAMON,WHO HAS PRODUCED A BICYCLE FROM NOWHERE AND HOPS ON IT.
Stop shaking man,come nearer on your gee whizz bike there ...yeah right ..how boring.. climate change i hear youse fellas want? it's leader change i'm worried about..now pog mo thoin..all of youse,i couldnt give a celia larkin about climate change.

BERTIE TO JOHN GORMLESS,LEADER OF THE YELLOW PARTY.
stop those false teeth of yours clattering,for jaysus sake,gormless..jaysus.. your jobs and heads are safe,the dirt poor of the world will starve even more in the near future if we continue to use food as biofuels for the limos of the multimillionaires like me so i'm told....big deal...have you brought my fairtrade 5000 euro cashmere pin stripe suits to my Drumcondra Castle,john gormless?..good,now pog mo thoin.

JOHN GORMLESS TO BERTIE THE FIRST.
I have,Master, please sir,allow me to doff my hat to you again..and again..the leather covers on the chairs in our plush offices feel so good on our executive arses..i have gifts for you,too,lord,..eco nappy cream and natural slug pellets for the all the worms around you..

SERGEANT TREVOR.former Commander of the Yellow Party to BERTIE THE FIRST.(shouting)
Forgive me,O Bertie,i said i would never serve as commander under you as King,so i just resigned and became sub commander..we just want to save you,Kaiser Bertie,f*** the environment..
BERTIE TO ALL ASSEMBLED.
Silence. I am the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland,I am Bert of the No Tax Cert..i disdain the Peasants of Ireland,all they do is vote for me under my false pretences....they haven't enough bread in their bleedin' pockets? haven't i done enough for them? let them eat organic cake..i am the leader and will stay the leader.. i am not power mad,caligula appointed his horse to the roman senate,sure didn't i appoint eoghan harris to ours.? do youse like me new clothes,eh?

THE COUNTLESS GOOD PEOPLE OF THE SOLDIERS OF DESTINY,PAST AND PRESENT WERE DEEPLY PERTURBED THAT THEIR DECENCY AND GOOD WORK CAME TO NOUGHT AND LOOKED AWAY IN DEJECTION AT THE NAKED EMPEROR.

ENTER MARY HARNEY,THE MINISTER FOR DEATH. BERTIE THE FIRST TO THE MINISTER FOR DEATH.
Howya Mary,how many more thousands of trolleys di ya say we needed? stop quaking there harney,your job is safe....top of the range chaffeured cars,junkets where you want,hols in exotic places when you want..all the posh nosh you can eat and jaysus,you must eat it every 5 minutes with an elephantine arse like yours. you just stay quiet..all youse pds,,yellow party people,what's the indepdendent fella's name..darby o'gill or finian something..me own backbenchers..stay fecking quiet..do NOTHING..

MINISTER OF DEATH TO BERTIE THE FIRST.
thank you Lord.. We need tents as well,Leader..and sleeping bags..for the annoying hospital patients,not just more trolleys,your Greatness.. may i kiss your posterior Master?

BERTIE THE FIRST TO THE MINISTER FOR DEATH. yeah right..let me drop me trousers first.. who's this?

ENTER LADY MACBETH BEVERLEY COOPER FLYNN,SERVER OF THE IRISH PEOPLE AND TAX ADVISOR.

BERTIE THE FIRST TO THE PEASANTS OF IRELAND.
Jaysus,even a shiver went down me spine there.. It's the crass act,daughter of me old buddy,padraig,who unfortunately knows where ALL the bodies are buried...like sean haughey,lady macbeth cooper flynn herself here to pay me homage and look for a job in the Court of bertie the shameless.i better watch meself with this one..

MINISTER FOR DEATH TO BERTIE THE FIRST OF ALL IRELAND. that was so gratifying,kissing your arse,Master of Language Gibberish....now..the audacity of some to suggest you need electrocution lessons.. We must to Doyle Eireann,Viscount Ahern.....

BERTIE TO MINISTER FOR DEATH.
Look i don't mind this Doyle Eireann membership carry on..it's the turning up bit to answer truth finding questions i dont like..in fact,i detest..now push off...i have to speak to me legal team and to me army of accountants and stonewalling experts and to me richly paid tax advisors.. and to me well heeled dig out buddies..me dig out buddies more than anyone..if one of them pigeons turns a stool..there'll be hell to pay.. for me..
END.(hopefully soon for Bertie the Last.)

FIDEL GASTRO,HUGO CHAV AND BERTIE THE FIRST.

THE 3 "SOCIALISTS" or AMIGOS.

It was announced today in Havana that dictator,tyrant and "socialist" Fidel Gastro had approved his pet monkey Roberto as successor to rule Cuba when he dies.

Fidel's aunt Isabella will continue as Minister for Tortillas,and Blanco,Fidel's cat will run the Minstry of Eternal Exploitation and Wealth Creation for the Gastro family into the next century.

Fidel Gastro's brother known as "El Cheato Unbelievablo " by the poor and decent populace of Cuba is to become King of Cuba.He will be known henceforth as "El Cheato Unbelievablo the First."

President,Master and Lord of All Venezuela,Count Hugo Chav, will inherit Fidel's gigantic gold bullion hoard and countless,innumberable numbered Swiss bank accounts.

Ireland's Prime Minister is known as "Bertie the First",a declared "socialist" and helper of the World's Humanity and leader of the unfortunate Irish people.

FABIO CAPPELLETTI,Great Britain's Venetian Soccer Manager.

SOCCER/FOOTBALL UPDATE.

What would hardmen of days gone bye like Nobby Stiles,Norman Hunter,Peter Storey,Gary Sobers and Wayne Sleep think about Great Britain's abysmal failure to qualify for football's Euro 2008?

The current crop of multi-millionaire nancy boys like dave buckham,ashley mole,wayne looney and the other anonymous lot are too preoccupied with their slapper WAG girlfriends,smartphones,sat navs in their luxury motors and purchase of homes in Belgravia,Mayfair and Knightsbridge.

No wonder these obscenely overpaid,talentless wasters aren't interested in aspiring to that glorious Summer day in 1956 when the boys from Great Britain crushed Franz Ribbentrop and his krauts at Wembley to lift the World Cup. Sir Alf Ramsey must be very upset at the thought of tax compliant Venetian Fabio Cappelletti in charge of the national squad.What do YOU think about the current crap Great Britain soccer/football squad?You'd pelt them with rotten fruit and jail them?

MOST CRETINOUS AND ANNOYING CELEBRITY CHEF OF 2008.

Comedyblogireland.com

CRETINOUS CELEBRITY CHEF OF 2008.


Who is the biggest "Celebrity" cretinous chef in the whole world?

Who do you think is the most annoying multi-millionaire celebrity chef for instance in england?

Why do people fawn over some self promoting,limelight addicted individual who is a cook?

Submit your vote for Cretinous Chef of 2008,below are some suggestions already submitted by Fanny Craddock and Fanny and Alexander.

Is it porky Marco Pear White,lard-arsed Anthony Squirrel Thompson,quiffy heterosexual Nick Rhodes perhaps?Delilah Smith perhaps,or thug and rabid Glaswegian ranter Gordon Ramsey? Or could it be toff,chicken murderer Hugh Freerange-Witlessness or that Essex nobhead and herb garden sniffer Famie Oliver?
All the above multi-millionaire,ego heads are never off the tv,they are paid fortunes to endorse some industrial supermarket or promote some tasteless or foul chemical-ridden sauce.

Who is the most annoying "celebrity" chef in the united states or lesotho?
(This is a question for our United States and Lesotho readers only.)

Who do YOU think is the most overrated cook in the world?
Why do they crave the limelight,why do they think we should all kiss their arses?
Let's know your opinion.