Modney Bojangles,Gangster dreams about Wimbledon.
I'm stuck down here in alicante since i clobbered fatso kelly,the boss Mr Gilhooley ordered me
to stay put in this inferno for another couple months.
spain is shite..
i'm having nightmares all the time as well as being bored out of me tree.
i cant even drink heavy in case the spanish polis start sniffin around looking for
a chance to bring me down the local nick.
i can't sleep...i cant sleep i tell ya..
last night,i dreamt i was in bed with tennis player,serena williams,she was buck naked,totally
starkers..and then...and then the bedroom door opens with a creak so loud,you could hear it
in louisiana..in walks serena's sister,venus williams,buck naked too..with a strap on dildo on her.
she says,the heat is stifling,ain't it white boy? but i'm still up for it,now bend over...
well,i woke up soaked in sweat and i think i was screaming,i'm not gonna watch another minute of
that fucking tennis at wimbledon..it would do me head in...totally i mean..
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Dublin's Unfair City.
howya or hi to our international readers,GILBERT GILHOOLEY, ireland's greatest and biggest gangster,here.
Decided to walk home to my 18 million pad in ballsbridge in the posh part of Dublin tonight.
You know,break in the new crocodile loafers from salvatore ferragamo,Fatso Kelly,me chaffeur,
left me off from the S Class Merc at the bottom of dublin's most famous shopping street,Grafton Street.
Jaysus,there's beggars and drug addicts all over the place,roma gypsies shovin their abused brats and their
paper cups in your face,they're worse than irish politicians lookin for dig outs.
I'm on the Champagne lately,strollin up to the Shelbourne Hotel for a few flutes is my latest recreation,this poxy beer is knockin me
off course for a couple days after due to the massive hangovers.
I said to Fatso Kelly,i'm drinking a few flutes of champagne lately,he said what's a flute got to do with drinking?
Ignorance is bliss,i thought to meself.
It's the beer,Fatso,i said,it's knockin the fuckin guts outta me,Champagne doesnt give me a hangover.
Champagne is like ..it's like wine,is it?Fatso said.
I said,yeah Fatso,it's like ...wine,made from bananas from different countries..
what countires,Fatso asked.
Italy,the Ivory Coast,south Korea mainly..what a thick bastard and he's my Capo..
anyway,dublin's suburbs are full of dog turds,at least grafton street is a quarter clean,
dirty dublin is right.
over there,there's a dopey Dublin Corporation totally uninterested "worker" pushing a Madvac cleaning machine along at minus 2 miles per hour,
wearin his manky Man U football shirt,if he had the machine stolen off him and shoved up his arse,he wouldnt even notice.
there's more bleedin bicycle-riding,rickshaw-pulling chinese in dublin than there are in fucking beijing,too..
i think i'll go to polish lessons,me kids'll have to speak polish in 10 years..still,they buy my smack,mustnt
be "racist",eh?
anyway,mustnt be grumpy,either,it's a lovely,sunny evening as i step into the jacks(toilets)
here at dublin's famous pearse street irish rail station before boarding the train for ballsbridge,get away from the riff raff and litter clogged dublin.
jaysus,holy jaysus,the stink in the men's jacks would stop a herd of rampaging rhino in its wake..
no bog paper,the loos are filthy and havnt seen a cleaner since 1871,the purple light to stop the junkies injecting would blind a guide dog,
christ,let me out of here,fuck craig doyle,advertising those useless bone polishers lying that their
trains are like the luxury orient express from london to vienna..
where's me mobile,where's me mobile? the stink is fucking ferocious.
Fatso,is that you,get up to pearse street dart station,fucking NOW.
Decided to walk home to my 18 million pad in ballsbridge in the posh part of Dublin tonight.
You know,break in the new crocodile loafers from salvatore ferragamo,Fatso Kelly,me chaffeur,
left me off from the S Class Merc at the bottom of dublin's most famous shopping street,Grafton Street.
Jaysus,there's beggars and drug addicts all over the place,roma gypsies shovin their abused brats and their
paper cups in your face,they're worse than irish politicians lookin for dig outs.
I'm on the Champagne lately,strollin up to the Shelbourne Hotel for a few flutes is my latest recreation,this poxy beer is knockin me
off course for a couple days after due to the massive hangovers.
I said to Fatso Kelly,i'm drinking a few flutes of champagne lately,he said what's a flute got to do with drinking?
Ignorance is bliss,i thought to meself.
It's the beer,Fatso,i said,it's knockin the fuckin guts outta me,Champagne doesnt give me a hangover.
Champagne is like ..it's like wine,is it?Fatso said.
I said,yeah Fatso,it's like ...wine,made from bananas from different countries..
what countires,Fatso asked.
Italy,the Ivory Coast,south Korea mainly..what a thick bastard and he's my Capo..
anyway,dublin's suburbs are full of dog turds,at least grafton street is a quarter clean,
dirty dublin is right.
over there,there's a dopey Dublin Corporation totally uninterested "worker" pushing a Madvac cleaning machine along at minus 2 miles per hour,
wearin his manky Man U football shirt,if he had the machine stolen off him and shoved up his arse,he wouldnt even notice.
there's more bleedin bicycle-riding,rickshaw-pulling chinese in dublin than there are in fucking beijing,too..
i think i'll go to polish lessons,me kids'll have to speak polish in 10 years..still,they buy my smack,mustnt
be "racist",eh?
anyway,mustnt be grumpy,either,it's a lovely,sunny evening as i step into the jacks(toilets)
here at dublin's famous pearse street irish rail station before boarding the train for ballsbridge,get away from the riff raff and litter clogged dublin.
jaysus,holy jaysus,the stink in the men's jacks would stop a herd of rampaging rhino in its wake..
no bog paper,the loos are filthy and havnt seen a cleaner since 1871,the purple light to stop the junkies injecting would blind a guide dog,
christ,let me out of here,fuck craig doyle,advertising those useless bone polishers lying that their
trains are like the luxury orient express from london to vienna..
where's me mobile,where's me mobile? the stink is fucking ferocious.
Fatso,is that you,get up to pearse street dart station,fucking NOW.
Friday, June 27, 2008
"Celebrity" Crap Magazine Latest.
CELEBRITY" crap magazine latest including SHEITLING watch endorsement from John Travalta.
Max from Deadenders beds donkey.
Jen from Friends is to play a bottom wiping,attention seeking nymphomaniac in her next hollywood role,i love it,Jen gushes.
Jordan and Pete invite Celebrity Crap Magazine readers into their toilet for an exclusive tour.
Common as Muck Victoria Buckham denies she is to undergo vaginal retightening and labial reshaping in a wiltshire
shed next month.
Mad Mariah Carey is to have her gigantic ego repaired and reconstructed according to sources deep within
Mariah's virginity.
this month's celebrity endorsements include john travalta advertising the world famous SHEITLING Navitimer,the instrument for
arseholes,wacky john travalta is a movie actor who pushes his weird cult scintology on a poor few unfortunates who dont know better.
travalta bases his opinions of scintology on an episode of Star Trek,in which Lietenant O'Hura has a severe attack of flatulence.
dont buy the sheitling watch,it's crap anyway.
also,do NOT buy french overpriced crap from louis vuitton because hippie and heroin user and ugly sight,keith richards from the
rolling stones endorses it.
some things cant be put into fucking pictures,keith richards is a dirty old fucker.
just in,donkey denies it is to marry max.
Max from Deadenders beds donkey.
Jen from Friends is to play a bottom wiping,attention seeking nymphomaniac in her next hollywood role,i love it,Jen gushes.
Jordan and Pete invite Celebrity Crap Magazine readers into their toilet for an exclusive tour.
Common as Muck Victoria Buckham denies she is to undergo vaginal retightening and labial reshaping in a wiltshire
shed next month.
Mad Mariah Carey is to have her gigantic ego repaired and reconstructed according to sources deep within
Mariah's virginity.
this month's celebrity endorsements include john travalta advertising the world famous SHEITLING Navitimer,the instrument for
arseholes,wacky john travalta is a movie actor who pushes his weird cult scintology on a poor few unfortunates who dont know better.
travalta bases his opinions of scintology on an episode of Star Trek,in which Lietenant O'Hura has a severe attack of flatulence.
dont buy the sheitling watch,it's crap anyway.
also,do NOT buy french overpriced crap from louis vuitton because hippie and heroin user and ugly sight,keith richards from the
rolling stones endorses it.
some things cant be put into fucking pictures,keith richards is a dirty old fucker.
just in,donkey denies it is to marry max.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Prince Philip of Germany Meets Golfer,Nick Maldo at Royal Ascot,amongst Others.
Prince Philip's Hectic Summer.
Hi Chavs, Wizard Prang,Old Beans,
Prince Philip,Duke of Glascow Rangers,here.
I was at royal Ascot this week with the Old Lady,next week it's Wimbledon.
What,i say,what in the name of Bodger McNulty are our young,pouty-lipped,huge-breasted beautiful english ladyfolk coming to?
I lost count...simply lost ...er...lost count of how many nubile,young fillies i saw standing around in the Royal enclosure
waggling their round,sensuous,erotic,shapely bottoms(many without underwear) at every wealthy top hatted home counties cad in sight.
so it's come to "buy me a sushi dinner and a bottle of Heideseck Champagne
and i'll sleep with you later darling?"
They dont even have the bother of pulling down the drawers.
Rich,Johnny Foreigners everywhere,blast it,Bohemian clientele,i was told,
a bunch of drunks and hookers with fat wallets and stunning or connected women with Philip Treacy hats
and golf course designer johnnies and City hedge fund owners alongside them.
i saw some golfing johnny,NICK FULDO or something standing beside me wearing
an orange upmarket woolworths-type shell suit with matching orange trainers.
he's the english curtis cup captain against the wooden planks next september,he looked like
Marjorie Streep in Out of Africa.
300 years ago,i'd have had the Old Lady have him executed.
brought england down they have,him and his chavvie,impudent,lower-middle-class types.
At least in wimbledon,you dont have to listen to nearly as many niteclub bouncer,cor blimey,fuck me guvnor,proletarian cockney accents.
speaking of hats,a bit of insider information,the colour of the Old Lady's coat on Tuesday matched her drawers(she was wearing them),i can tell you that,would have won me a fortune at Paddy Power bookies
if they laid a price on that,wouldnt it?
next week,it's wimbledon,strawberries and cream and shaking endless hands with slanty eyed asian foreigners
and scruffy krusty the clown types like smelly bob geldof and numerous arse lickers from dubai or siberian russia or somewhere near the Caspian Sea.
the honk of Boots fake tanning lotion can get a bit overwhelming,mind.
not as many chavs as at Ascot.
duke of marmalade my arse.
roll on henley,england v south africa and glyndebourne.
in my next report,i shall give some more information on my forthcoming trip to the Irish Scrubland.
these fenian bastards had the impertinence to vote no against the battle of boyne treaty recently,i shall return to that when my blood pressure calms down.
Slan abhaile.
Hi Chavs, Wizard Prang,Old Beans,
Prince Philip,Duke of Glascow Rangers,here.
I was at royal Ascot this week with the Old Lady,next week it's Wimbledon.
What,i say,what in the name of Bodger McNulty are our young,pouty-lipped,huge-breasted beautiful english ladyfolk coming to?
I lost count...simply lost ...er...lost count of how many nubile,young fillies i saw standing around in the Royal enclosure
waggling their round,sensuous,erotic,shapely bottoms(many without underwear) at every wealthy top hatted home counties cad in sight.
so it's come to "buy me a sushi dinner and a bottle of Heideseck Champagne
and i'll sleep with you later darling?"
They dont even have the bother of pulling down the drawers.
Rich,Johnny Foreigners everywhere,blast it,Bohemian clientele,i was told,
a bunch of drunks and hookers with fat wallets and stunning or connected women with Philip Treacy hats
and golf course designer johnnies and City hedge fund owners alongside them.
i saw some golfing johnny,NICK FULDO or something standing beside me wearing
an orange upmarket woolworths-type shell suit with matching orange trainers.
he's the english curtis cup captain against the wooden planks next september,he looked like
Marjorie Streep in Out of Africa.
300 years ago,i'd have had the Old Lady have him executed.
brought england down they have,him and his chavvie,impudent,lower-middle-class types.
At least in wimbledon,you dont have to listen to nearly as many niteclub bouncer,cor blimey,fuck me guvnor,proletarian cockney accents.
speaking of hats,a bit of insider information,the colour of the Old Lady's coat on Tuesday matched her drawers(she was wearing them),i can tell you that,would have won me a fortune at Paddy Power bookies
if they laid a price on that,wouldnt it?
next week,it's wimbledon,strawberries and cream and shaking endless hands with slanty eyed asian foreigners
and scruffy krusty the clown types like smelly bob geldof and numerous arse lickers from dubai or siberian russia or somewhere near the Caspian Sea.
the honk of Boots fake tanning lotion can get a bit overwhelming,mind.
not as many chavs as at Ascot.
duke of marmalade my arse.
roll on henley,england v south africa and glyndebourne.
in my next report,i shall give some more information on my forthcoming trip to the Irish Scrubland.
these fenian bastards had the impertinence to vote no against the battle of boyne treaty recently,i shall return to that when my blood pressure calms down.
Slan abhaile.
Rip Off from the Irish National Lottery.
It could be you but you know damn well,it wont be you.
Make one usually already well off or rich person obscenely richer,instead of spreading the cash around hundreds/thousands of irish/non-irish people by distributing much larger prizes for 3,4, and 5 winning numbers.
Also gaining from this rip off are voice over actors for the National Lottery on television and radio/media and bone polishing "hot,hippie copywriters" from advertising agencies who invent garbage advert campaigns.
anyway,we're off to buy our lottery ticket,if we dont win it,we hope you do.
Good Luck.
Make one usually already well off or rich person obscenely richer,instead of spreading the cash around hundreds/thousands of irish/non-irish people by distributing much larger prizes for 3,4, and 5 winning numbers.
Also gaining from this rip off are voice over actors for the National Lottery on television and radio/media and bone polishing "hot,hippie copywriters" from advertising agencies who invent garbage advert campaigns.
anyway,we're off to buy our lottery ticket,if we dont win it,we hope you do.
Good Luck.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Brave People of Cuba,Rise Up.
Brave people of Cuba,throw out the communist shitheads who give your people failed marxist slogans and garbage.
Bury the corrupt political system along with the arseholes,Fidel and Raul Castro who have enslaved the good and decent citizens of Cuba for the sake of their own self enrichment and self advantage.
Your beautiful country has been exploited and shackled for decades since the degenerate criminal,Fiddler Castro took power.
Kick the dirty commie bastards out of Cuba.
And how long before the good,decent citizens of Venelzuela put the titanic-egoed little bandit,Hugo Chavez into jail?
Get rid of the criminal Castro brothers,hugo Chavez,devil Robert Mugabe and North Korea's sinister,little mad despot,Son of Sam to start with.
Bury the corrupt political system along with the arseholes,Fidel and Raul Castro who have enslaved the good and decent citizens of Cuba for the sake of their own self enrichment and self advantage.
Your beautiful country has been exploited and shackled for decades since the degenerate criminal,Fiddler Castro took power.
Kick the dirty commie bastards out of Cuba.
And how long before the good,decent citizens of Venelzuela put the titanic-egoed little bandit,Hugo Chavez into jail?
Get rid of the criminal Castro brothers,hugo Chavez,devil Robert Mugabe and North Korea's sinister,little mad despot,Son of Sam to start with.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Carla Bruni of France to release "my 4000 plus lovers" album.
Pierre Onions,here,bonjour,chevre chaud basquaise.
we,french,are world champions at spoofing and self promotion and talking shite.oui?
me?
i am france's greatest celebrity columnist,oui...i write for the beano and its french equivalent,le figaro..oui,non,oui?
we french never stop f***ing ouiing..non?oui?
today,i write about slicky nicky sarkozy and his current bedroom companion,chanteuse,not tonight,carla bruni.
oui,oui..i need to wee,here carla speaks to you:
carla bruni:
below is the "poetry" from my new album being released outside the eifel Tower in Lyon today.
I am a french slapper,i may dress well and look very dapper.
i am a french tart,despite my 4000 plus lovers,a scrapper,
liasions with hundreds of (piss) artists and politicians,i am a useless fashion conscious rapper.
oui?
pierre onions says:
it's not true everyone was in the "french resistance",in fact the vast majority of french people were collaborators with yellow streaks down their backs and
stopped kissing the nazi arses only when the tide turned against the germans and their many cowardly french pals in world war 2.
thierry henry is expected to line out for france in the right back position against the vichy republic tomorrow,estee lauder,l'oreal and faberge will all line out in midfield.
napolean bonaparte is the lone forward.
st joan of arc is turning in her grave.
we,french,are world champions at spoofing and self promotion and talking shite.oui?
me?
i am france's greatest celebrity columnist,oui...i write for the beano and its french equivalent,le figaro..oui,non,oui?
we french never stop f***ing ouiing..non?oui?
today,i write about slicky nicky sarkozy and his current bedroom companion,chanteuse,not tonight,carla bruni.
oui,oui..i need to wee,here carla speaks to you:
carla bruni:
below is the "poetry" from my new album being released outside the eifel Tower in Lyon today.
I am a french slapper,i may dress well and look very dapper.
i am a french tart,despite my 4000 plus lovers,a scrapper,
liasions with hundreds of (piss) artists and politicians,i am a useless fashion conscious rapper.
oui?
pierre onions says:
it's not true everyone was in the "french resistance",in fact the vast majority of french people were collaborators with yellow streaks down their backs and
stopped kissing the nazi arses only when the tide turned against the germans and their many cowardly french pals in world war 2.
thierry henry is expected to line out for france in the right back position against the vichy republic tomorrow,estee lauder,l'oreal and faberge will all line out in midfield.
napolean bonaparte is the lone forward.
st joan of arc is turning in her grave.
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