SONIC BERTIE AHERN REPELLER.

NOTE TO OUR MILLIONS OF INTERNATIONAL READERS:

BERTIE AHERN IS THE CORRUPT PRIME MINISTER OF IRELAND.

Make Ireland a Bertie Ahern-Free zone.
The Sonic Bertie Ahern Repeller detects and repels this dreadful lying man without harming any innocents.The Repeller is easy to install and protects decent Irish and non-national citizens by using an Infra Red stench detection system to monitor Bertie Ahern's approach from a distance of 1000 miles.
It detects Bertie Ahern moving into your area and triggers a burst of continuously invariable ultrasound and loudhailer message:WARNING:Bertie Ahern is approaching your area,evacuate,evacuate,stench approaching.
Battery operated,this brilliant unit is for sale for 99.95 euro and worth every cent,proceeds will go to removing Ahern from office very soon.

gilbert gilhooley the gangster loves irish judges.

gilbert gilhooley here,just another one of ireland's multitude of thugs and gangsters but i am a very high profile and successful one. who are my heroes i'm asked now and again?
irish judges that's who.
where would we irish criminals be without them,the devil bless them. excuse me for a minute,i was out till 4am last night organising another large shipment of cocaine for my loyal customers.
i'm bucking ravenous. just put the cheese and gorgeous galtee rashers in between the two slices of this freshly baked bobbys bab..bucking pollacks,i'm starvin..gorgeous.
how many irish judges are on the take?
i dont know for sure but i have 4 on my books... and people wonder why so many judges let us off with suspended sentences..the devil bless them.. excuse me while i bed down for a few more hours kip and then it's down to me local later for a few pints ..
we call our local the bullet proof jacket,that's not its real name but sure i'll tell the real name again.. now buck off,i'm tired. END.

DINNY O'WINE,IRISH BILLIONAIRE AND PATRIOT.

BILLIONAIRE,IRISH PATRIOT AND TAX COMPLIANT DENIS "DINNY" O'WINE.


STAR NEWS CENTRE HERE,COME IN CHIEF REPORTER NAPPER TANDY AT DUBLIN AIRPORT.

NAPPER TANDY TO CAMERA.
everyone in ireland knows billionaire denis "dinny" o'wine rightly expects from the irish peasantry the prestige and respect that is his due.
dinny,is with his one friend in life who he pays to be his friend and who is carrying his suitcases stuffed with cash.
dinny is on his way to his tax exile haven today in malta.

NAPPER TO DINNY.
how much do you owe the irish people dinny in lost tax revenues?

DINNY TO NAPPER. push off,you space cadet.

NAPPER TO DINNY.
space cadet,is it? i'm no space cadet,i'm a part time astronaut though as well as Star news chief reporter.. do you want a bite dinny of my microgravity paste stuffed chicken in these tubes i have in my lunchbox?

WE SEE NAPPER TUCKING INTO HIS GRUB.

NAPPER TO DINNY O'WINE.
why do you think the footaball association of ireland sold their remaining last small tads of reputation and their souls to you for a few bob,dinny?

DINNY TO NAPPER.
becaus they want to save their own bacon,they want good public relations for themselves and for me and didnt they get trap door toni,one of the best loophole lax tax law experts in the universe..as well as in ireland?

NAPPER TO DINNY.
trap door toni isnt an accountant or tax expert,dinny,he's a highly regarded football manager.

DINNY.
What the buck,i thought he was a genius in fumbling in the greasy tills of places,to borrow a phrase from one of ireland's world's famous nobel prize winning poets of the past ronald mcdonald.

NAPPER.
ronald mcdonald isnt an irish poet,dinny,he's dutch i think,too,not irish..that quote is .. it's from irish poet,samuel speckett,dinny.

NAPPER TANDY TO AUDIENCE.
don't go away,we'll be back shortly after this short break. (that's about 17 minutes time)

ADVERT.
hi,i'm hanoi jane fondue,i put this cosmetic crap on my face for Forunreal cosmetics becaue i'm not worth a dime.
Forunreal cosmetics pay me..hanoi jane fondue,millions of dollars,that's botswanian dollars to promote this muck. remember,i love myself,there are millions of kids dying in the world but that dont matter,once you viewers love me and kiss my hanoi jane ass when i tell you to.
remember i'm not worth a dime.

STAR SPORTS HERE.
Napper come in what do you think of our chances for qualifying for the soccer world cup in 2010 in south bronx?

NAPPER.
we're in with a great chance until the first match against the italians starts,where did i leave that bottle of gin?

STAR NEWS,BREAKING NEWS AND BREAKING WIND EVERY 15 MINUTES.

NAPPER TO CAMERA/AUDIENCE.
Well,there's tax compliant billionaire and irish patriot,dinny o'wine boarding his private jet for malta. dinny is like a lot of today's irish- rich,law abiding and a total canker.

END.

Pee Bandit and Daughter of Pee Bandit in Quiz.

You're a Creep Talent Show,Ireland's Creepiest Show.

BRIAN DORMOUSE TO FIRST CONTESTANT,PEE BANDIT.
Come on down Pee Flynn,you have a fantastic chance to keep 50,000 euro if you do NOT answer the question and if you do NOT sing like a canary.
Is it true you are a big chief down in castlebar known by some of the local idiot braves as chief foul yellow water?

PEE FLYNN TO BRIAN DORMOUSE.
True Mr Dormouse,i often can't believe how so many gobshites there are down at home who believe the piss i come out with for decades.it simply amazes me.
I'm a nympho for free cash,brian..did you hear me,i'm a nympho for free smakeroos that aren't mine.
i will NOT answer the question,mr dormouse sir,shure,i cant sing a f***ing note,do i get to keep the 50 big ones..?

BRIAN DORMOUSE TO PEE FLYNN.
Stop sticking your forked tongue out at me,Pee,i'm just a quiz show host.

PEE FLYNN TO BRIAN DORMOUSE.
Look brian here's me smug and crass daughter beverly cooper flynn.
Bev the Clev Clev calls me an artist,a piss artist,the biggest piss artist in connaught formely known as the prince of mayo bandits.

WE SEE BEVERLY ENTERS THE STUDIO RIDING A UNICYCLE.
BEVERLY TO AUDIENCE.
Hi folks,i'm appearing on tonight's show to offer each and every member of the audience free tax advice...did you hear that? free tax advice.

WE SEE THE AUDIENCE RUNNING OUT OF THE STUDIO. BEVERLY TO AUDIENCE.
Come back,come back,it's not true who ever said Pee and Me have more slapheaded naked ambition than the bald arse of Yul Bryner..come back..come back i say.. i have some horse tranquilisers to sell if anyone is interested..

END.

GILHOOLEY THE GANGSTER LOVES CIVIL LIBERTIES.

GILBERT GILHOOLEY THE WELL EDUCATED IRISH GANGSTER LOVES HIS CIVIL LIBERTIES.

Gilbert Gilhooley here,the well educated irish gangster ..welcome to all our international readers. I'm a Drug Baron by trade,one of a many multitude in this Emerald Isle of ours,this Land of Abundant Sinners and Celtic Plentiful Free Trade in Hard Drugs.
Look,why do I sell massive amounts of heroin and cocaine,it's easy that's why..there's a regular,steady market,a few thousand people die,it comes with the terroritory...but look at your man supposedly running the country,Dirty Bertie..sure what's wrong with me making a few dishonest shillings as well.
Ireland is bulging with criminals and gangsters and hitmen,sure they'll start an apprenticeship course in it soon.. i dont like hard work either,that's why i do it,too and it's rise and shine and up at the crack of noon everyday,which suits me just grand,i like a lie in,i'm a lazy bastard my parole officer used to say to me,before he was shot.
It's the Gardai,the irish police to our internations readers,i feel sorry for,sure i cant remember how many times i've been busted,off to the police station and a few hours later..hey presto,i'm sprung..my lawyer gives them an earful of civil liberites and human rights violations and sure,it's auf wiedersehen,lads,i'm off down the pub in christy's merc i gave him for christmas,a few calls on the mobile and everything's running like clockwork again.
there's more files on me in the director of public prosecutions folder than there are liberals in ballsbridge..and that's millions.. sure us gangsters cant get enough of the civil liberites brigade..you'll be hearing more from me in the future.. remember the name Gilhooley the Gangster.

JOE GUFFY'S FIVELINE PROGRAMME ON RTE.

This week features JOE GUFFY from RTE Radio's Fiveline programme. RTE stands for Radio Television of Eire,it is the broadcasting organ of Ireland.

This week,we announce the RTE "You're a Lavatory Cleaner Star with Us",this is a new award created to honour the many stars and geniuses working for the State Broadcaster.

In fact,everyone working at RTE considers themselves either a star or a genius. Joe,who has absolutely no talent,and is an increasingly cranky effer,has previously and often received the Bluetongue Award from his popular peers at the station (or should that be the Browntongue Award?).

Joe gets all his ideas for the Fiveline programme from Irish and foreign newspapers and magazines.
As a new born baby Joe was given away by his parents but luckily for him,he was found in a wicker basket on the doorstep of SHOWBUSINESS LEGEND,Gaybo Byrne on the doorstep of Gaybo's palatial Howth Mansion.
Gaybo is a workaholic and a multimillionaire and reputed to own half of the city of Dublin,like the effect of advertising though,he doesn't know which half.
From a young age,Joe Guffy,enthusiastically nodded yes at everything Gaybo told him(whether it was wrong or right) and soon ingratiated himself into the affections of the legendary Gaybo,who is 4 foot 11 inches in height.
Next week,it is the turn of chief political reporter and World Mensa number 1,RTE's Charlie Birdshite to come under the spotlight.

Let the Yellow Party eat (organic) cake.

LET THE YELLOW PARTY EAT (ORGANIC) CAKE.

Bertie the First,High King of All Ireland and Tinpot Taoiseach receives Tribute and Deference from his lowly sychophantic minions in the Yellow Party and from mayo independent,Lady Macbeth Cooper Flynn.

BERTIE TAKES HIS BLING BEJEWELLED CROWN FROM HIS HEAD AND POLISHES IT WITH HIS SPIT.

EAMON WHINE,MINISTER FOR NO COMMUNICATIONS AND TORTOISE BROADBAND SPEEDS NERVOUSLY APPROACHES BERTIE THE FIRST AND BOWS DOWN LOW BEFORE HIM.

EAMON TO BERTIE THE FIRST.
We come,we come.. Your Highness as Planet Bertie Savers bearing Gifts of greenhouse gas and carbon emissions,ignore the Irish people who say principle is dead in irish politics,O Great One,the irish people are fools.

BERTIE THE FIRST SPEAKS TO HIS SYCHOPHANTS.
Sure i know that,i've codded them on a massive scale for decades..enriched meself,manifold,i have and enjoyed the beautiful trappings of power.

BERTIE THE FIRST TO EAMON,WHO HAS PRODUCED A BICYCLE FROM NOWHERE AND HOPS ON IT.
Stop shaking man,come nearer on your gee whizz bike there ...yeah right ..how boring.. climate change i hear youse fellas want? it's leader change i'm worried about..now pog mo thoin..all of youse,i couldnt give a celia larkin about climate change.

BERTIE TO JOHN GORMLESS,LEADER OF THE YELLOW PARTY.
stop those false teeth of yours clattering,for jaysus sake,gormless..jaysus.. your jobs and heads are safe,the dirt poor of the world will starve even more in the near future if we continue to use food as biofuels for the limos of the multimillionaires like me so i'm told....big deal...have you brought my fairtrade 5000 euro cashmere pin stripe suits to my Drumcondra Castle,john gormless?..good,now pog mo thoin.

JOHN GORMLESS TO BERTIE THE FIRST.
I have,Master, please sir,allow me to doff my hat to you again..and again..the leather covers on the chairs in our plush offices feel so good on our executive arses..i have gifts for you,too,lord,..eco nappy cream and natural slug pellets for the all the worms around you..

SERGEANT TREVOR.former Commander of the Yellow Party to BERTIE THE FIRST.(shouting)
Forgive me,O Bertie,i said i would never serve as commander under you as King,so i just resigned and became sub commander..we just want to save you,Kaiser Bertie,f*** the environment..
BERTIE TO ALL ASSEMBLED.
Silence. I am the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland,I am Bert of the No Tax Cert..i disdain the Peasants of Ireland,all they do is vote for me under my false pretences....they haven't enough bread in their bleedin' pockets? haven't i done enough for them? let them eat organic cake..i am the leader and will stay the leader.. i am not power mad,caligula appointed his horse to the roman senate,sure didn't i appoint eoghan harris to ours.? do youse like me new clothes,eh?

THE COUNTLESS GOOD PEOPLE OF THE SOLDIERS OF DESTINY,PAST AND PRESENT WERE DEEPLY PERTURBED THAT THEIR DECENCY AND GOOD WORK CAME TO NOUGHT AND LOOKED AWAY IN DEJECTION AT THE NAKED EMPEROR.

ENTER MARY HARNEY,THE MINISTER FOR DEATH. BERTIE THE FIRST TO THE MINISTER FOR DEATH.
Howya Mary,how many more thousands of trolleys di ya say we needed? stop quaking there harney,your job is safe....top of the range chaffeured cars,junkets where you want,hols in exotic places when you want..all the posh nosh you can eat and jaysus,you must eat it every 5 minutes with an elephantine arse like yours. you just stay quiet..all youse pds,,yellow party people,what's the indepdendent fella's name..darby o'gill or finian something..me own backbenchers..stay fecking quiet..do NOTHING..

MINISTER OF DEATH TO BERTIE THE FIRST.
thank you Lord.. We need tents as well,Leader..and sleeping bags..for the annoying hospital patients,not just more trolleys,your Greatness.. may i kiss your posterior Master?

BERTIE THE FIRST TO THE MINISTER FOR DEATH. yeah right..let me drop me trousers first.. who's this?

ENTER LADY MACBETH BEVERLEY COOPER FLYNN,SERVER OF THE IRISH PEOPLE AND TAX ADVISOR.

BERTIE THE FIRST TO THE PEASANTS OF IRELAND.
Jaysus,even a shiver went down me spine there.. It's the crass act,daughter of me old buddy,padraig,who unfortunately knows where ALL the bodies are buried...like sean haughey,lady macbeth cooper flynn herself here to pay me homage and look for a job in the Court of bertie the shameless.i better watch meself with this one..

MINISTER FOR DEATH TO BERTIE THE FIRST OF ALL IRELAND. that was so gratifying,kissing your arse,Master of Language Gibberish....now..the audacity of some to suggest you need electrocution lessons.. We must to Doyle Eireann,Viscount Ahern.....

BERTIE TO MINISTER FOR DEATH.
Look i don't mind this Doyle Eireann membership carry on..it's the turning up bit to answer truth finding questions i dont like..in fact,i detest..now push off...i have to speak to me legal team and to me army of accountants and stonewalling experts and to me richly paid tax advisors.. and to me well heeled dig out buddies..me dig out buddies more than anyone..if one of them pigeons turns a stool..there'll be hell to pay.. for me..
END.(hopefully soon for Bertie the Last.)